Riding Tidle Waves

So, out of the blue, unexpectedly this is a hard day.  Not sure why, not sure if it's been building over time.  It just is.  Grief is such a strange and unpleasant thing sometimes. When your baby dies nothing is "normal" for a long time and you wonder if things will ever be "normal" again.  What is normal anyway?  But, over time I managed to find a new normal...all mothers who have lost know what I mean by this and I'm sure those who have not still can understand what I mean.  There is before Jacob died and after Jacob died. Some of the things that were "normal" before he died are still part of our lives now but they are just a little different.  I've been doing great I think.  Moving forward, started a business, hired some help around the house as this is almost necessary with three little kids and my sanity is worth the cleaning lady, Mrs. Barbie, once every two weeks, trying to focus on each day and not look too much into the future, coming to accept that this is just the way it is and there is no need nor benefit to dwelling on what happened because there is simply nothing that can change it.  I am no good to anyone when I'm looking backwards, not even myself.  I did that and I grieved.  I let myself be sad for what, to me, seemed like a long time.  So why today, why such a hard day?  I'm not crying in a corner...it's just this overwhelming feeling that I'm just keeping my head above water, barely.  Grief is like riding a tidal wave in so many ways.  It builds so slowly over time that I don't even realize what is building beneath me and eventually grows into something out of my control and then I'm here...stuck...riding this crazy wave out that I don't want to be on, never wanted to be on, was afraid of, am afraid of, and can't get off of.  I know the crazy wave will pass but being ON the wave is SOOO not my favorite thing.  I feel out of control, can't think straight, can't focus, it's hard to be "here" with the kids. I'm not thinking of Jacob and going woe is me, I am just different than I was before.  Sometimes I think I'm trying to prove to myself that I am OKAY still.  The fear of not surviving his death is still there I just try to not give it any credit or time.  But when on this wave that comes every now and then, it's hard to not go there and just be off for a day or three.  I so wish that this was not a part of it but it is.  I say all of this not to get sympathy, I hate that, but to be real in that this IS what it's like for me.  And to share, I think, is strength. It's being vulnerable and showing my weaknesses and I find strength in that.  In being real with myself and others about how life is after loosing your baby.  It may not be this way for everyone, but it is the reality for me.  Most days when I look fine I actually AM.  But today, this day, it's just a rough day.  And one final note....the only thing that has gotten me this far is God and the love he has shown to me through friends like you who are reading this, the love of my children and the love of my husband who is incredibly patient and understanding; I'm not sure why he's so good at being patient as I am horrible at it, but he is, and the strength of our marriage is, in many ways, credited to his love and patience.  Tomorrow will be a better day, and if not then the next one will be. Now I'm going to go love on little, big, Elena which is what I'm sure Jacob would want.

Working to help all NC families

I wrote the following today to some of our NC Senators who will vote on the licensing of CPM's later this month...Oh how I wish they'd listen and stop being bullied by big wig medical people who think they can make better decisions for our families than we can. 

 

Dear President Berger & Senators Brock, Brunstetter & Parmon,

My name is Nora Kowalcheck and I am a mother, wife and resident of North Carolina living in Forsyth County.

My husband and I have two living children and one that died at birth last March 17th of 2012, Jacob. We have one more due any day now. I know this is a long email but please bear with me.

Of my three children, not including the one yet to be born, two were born at home with the assistance of a midwife and one was born in the hospital. Only one died and that was our Jacob and the only of my children to be born in a hospital. The hospital did not cause his death BUT it also did not save his life either.

Hospitals are not the only option for safe birth and they do not prevent death. I am sure all of you sadly have experienced the loss of a loved one that died and not even doctors or the hospital could save them. Death is just a part of this life as is birth and Hospitals do not MAKE birth safe. Trained licensed professionals do the best at monitoring babies. Also, I would like to remind everyone that as much as hospitals are needed for emergencies and high risk pregnancies/deliveries babies still die in hospitals every day, even with all the equipment and bells and whistles. HOME BIRTH DOES NOT KILL BABIES. Babies do not just die because they were born outside of a hospital, nor do they live because they were born at one. This is a fact that no doctor wants to admit to. Some things simply are out of our control, and my son Jacob is an example of that FACT. He was born without a trachea and even the most advanced hospital or best OB doctor in the world could not have saved him.

I also birthed him footling breech without medication and he did not die because of that either. I was monitored the entire time and I gave him the last few hours of life by doing so. I do not regret any of the pain of that labor, it was the end of his life, I just didn't know it then. Having avoided a c-section, I was able to, after handing Jacob over to two men from a funeral home in suits at 6 AM, go home and hold my other children and grieve with my family instead of being confined to a hospital bed because I'd just had major surgery AND lost my baby unexpectedly.

We have come to know many families that also experienced infant loss and every other family that I know lost their baby at the hospital, or before doctors or the hospital even knew anything was wrong. Hospitals DO NOT PREVENT STILLBIRTH and infant death!!!! I wish, I so wish, they did for the sake of all the parents I know.

Hospitals and doctors DO NOT SAVE ALL BABIES. This does not include only OB's and Physicians but also experienced Midwives. My other two children are proof that healthy babies can be born at home safely. Most all of my friends have their babies at the hospital safely. All I want is the right to have my babies at home with a LICENSED MIDWIFE if that is what we choose. I am not against hospitals or doctors, I am just for this additional option that our surrounding states have already given their residents.

I will have this baby at home as well, "illegally", because that is my desire. I even qualify for a free medicaid birth at the hospital but my husband and I are paying out of pocket to birth at home. We feel that strongly about the level of care we have received from our midwife through each of our pregnancies to pay for this even though we could do it on your dime. Even after having lost my son, I still feel this is the best option for me and most importantly our baby. Should something go awry, like this baby being breech, yes I will go to the hospital then, but not all births are scary. In fact remember birthing is natural, women have done this outside of hospitals for thousands of years and why not allow women to have this one other option and licensing will prevent the ones who are NOT QUALIFIED to be weeded out. THAT IS IMPORTANT!!! We don't want untrained assistants but trained assistants who will know when it's time to go to the hospital and who will not be shunned in the process. If babies living is your main concern than there is no better option than to require Licensing of CPM's. People like me will continue to do this without the states stamp of approval and by allowing others to squash midwives out of the state you are jeopardizing the lives of these babies to come by in a way eradicating the help of those who are trained and eliminating the ones that are not.

PLEASE for the sake of our son Jacob, consider all I have said. If women have so many rights to do what they want when they want, have sex, abortions, pick their own doctors, why stop at allowing them to have even the option to birth at home. For a normal pregnancy this is a fantastic option for those that seek it. Please Please, give us the same rights that women in other states have. As a resident I hope you will listen and pass this bill even if it would not be your personal choice.

Sincerely,

Nora Kowalcheck

 

 

Fear of the Home Stretch...

So here I find myself, 30 days from my due date and having Braxton Hicks contractions on and off every other day or so, sometimes every day and scared to death.  Talk about fear.  This whole pregnancy has been like a blur of time. After Jacob died I could not imagine the stress of going through another full pregnancy always waiting for the outcome, would we bring a baby home next time or go through the entire pregnancy only to hand another baby over to two men in suits from a funeral home.  This entire time I've been going through the pregnancy with my fingers in my ears trying to avoid any reality, "just make it till she's born, just make it till she's born" is what goes through my head over and over.  But now, in this final month, it's too real to ignore, I can't deny the pain of the contractions, the anxiety of, is this false labor or real labor?  Is my water getting ready to break or is this just my body practicing?  When will she come? Will she come early? Will she come late? Will she be breech like Jacob? If she's head down will it go too fast? Will it go slow like Jacob's did? Will we be able to do it at home?  Will there be complications that lead us to the hospital? Either way, will she be born crying and healthy like Adam and Allie or will she have some rare undetectable anomaly that we won't know about till I've labored and birthed again? Will we be caught off guard again? Will she sleep in the crib we have set up or will I have to strip that one day because she's not there?  This is the craziness of my head.  This is what life is like in my mind.  Faith, have faith, is my motto for when the crazy ideas/questions start rolling through my mind, but then I think, well let's be prepared for the worst as we were totally unprepared last time.  Still, I know fear does not come from God.  God did not make Jacob die. He was not punishing us, technically Jacob is still alive, just in the way that we won't be till we also die and get to experience whatever the eternal life is, God willing we make it to Heaven.  

But I REALLY want this baby to be here with me in this life.  I know that we can't always have what we want and that is certainly not what this life is all about.  But, still, the desire to hold this baby is so strong, to get to that moment when she just comes out and starts screaming, that the fear of it potentially not happening is just terrifying. And I have some 30 days or less to get through with all these thoughts. Sometimes I can calm them, usually I can, but every time I feel a contraction, which is increasingly more as we get closer, I can't help but think into crazy land.  Talk about a workout for the mind, an inner conflict, it is like a battle against God and Satan in my head and it's exhausting.  I've tried to fill my time by nesting and organizing, which is extremely hard considering we own about 4 baskets in this house and I think baskets are the key to organization with little ones! We plan to take advantage of Ikea to help remedy this one issue, but until then if it's cluttered I freak out more. At least though I can somewhat control the clutter.  The time this baby decides to come, is totally and completely out of my control and I think that is the hardest part.  When Jacob died it felt like I had no control over anything. Slowly I found things that I could make constant, and control to some extent.  But this, this time before the tragedy we experienced last time, the total lack of concern I had last time is so different from this time.  All I can do is try to be patient, calm, remember I have the caregivers that I feel the safest with, that I'm not alone and whatever happens I know God will help us through it, even if the worst happens.  I never doubt that.  I may need more drugs this time around should something go wrong and bottles of wine and extensive amounts of chocolate can be sent to us here at the house but I don't doubt that God helps us get through whatever unexpected things this imperfect life throws at us.  It's not easy but if we seek Him out, He's always there and I know that otherwise I would have left this life long ago.  

So looking at 30 days of something that is now out of my hands, not knowing when or how fast I will go into labor, not knowing which contraction will be the start of the end of this LONG journey and which ones are just practice ones, somehow I'll get through this.  Just like Jacob's funeral and burial that I didn't want to face, I don't want to face these unknown days but I will. I will pray and try to not freak out. I appreciate the friends I have that make me feel like a sane person because I am freaking out! I appreciate all the women I know that are in my boat right now and waiting too for the scream we all didn't get to hear last time.  The good scream, the one that will incite many many more for years to come, ones of joy and frustration that their brother/sister took their toys, annoyed them or touched them...that fist sound means so much more than this baby made it, but that this baby has a life here, however short or long and I will get to see her eyes open and close on their own, see her chest rise and fall with each breath, cry when she is hungry, smile when she's happy or gassy...if we can just get to there...surely after that moment I can finally breath again, really breath, and feel relief which I've only experienced in tidbits through the last 9 months.  Extended relief, oh won't that be nice! 

So below is for me really, to visually have proof of accomplishments we've made over the last month.  Before and after pictures of how we switched the rooms and finally decorated in preparation for this new life that we WILL have with this new baby girl...(thanks to a husband who is extremely handy and strong, not just physically but mentally to endure my insane nesting "must haves") I do feel more at ease now that their rooms are decorated, painted and mostly finished for them to enjoy and grow in! 

                              

                                 

                            

              

                            

 

The difference of a year...

So, on a crisp cold Saturday in March, March 23rd, I was with people from our church, just as I had been the year before.  This day was not like last year in many ways. This very day last year I was standing at a hole in the ground waiting for Jacob to be lowered down....This present day I was among many of the same women that had gathered together to celebrate Jacob's life the day I went into labor with him.  The difference is, I made it to this shower and the day went exactly as planned.  In fact, I was so focused on being happy for this baby and THIS shower that not even I, Jacob's mother, remembered until the next day the significance of the shower date.  Some things I have learned are too much and sometimes it's okay to just be happy for a change.  I still feel kind of guilty being happy, but on this day I truly was.  Surrounded by many women who have been such a meaningful part of my life I was able to celebrate our daughter's life.  She has been alive and with us for almost 9 months now, we still are not sure of her name, but it does not diminish our joy in every moment and every day we are given with her, even before we meet her face to face and can see the miracle that God has granted us.  I have learned that living in the moment is much more useful than daydreaming about the future, one that is unknown.  Still, to open gifts and see things that she will wear, sleep in, spit up on, they are all steps of faith towards the hope that she will be there to make all the memories we have already virtually placed her in.  It's impossible to not work these little unborn babies into our families and future vacations, holidays, trips, events, school spacing between the kids, visiting Jacob even.   We did the same for Jacob and as hard as it is to come upon those events and realize his absence,  those events that we had already worked him into, they keep him alive in our hearts and in our family.  

So for this day in March, very different in many ways than the day we buried Jacob, I was happy.  You can see it and although my dear friend Nikki, our photographer for the day (who should go professional) captured all the smiles I did have a near breakdown at the end thanking everyone for all they have done for us, Dan and I and the kids, to get to this day, this new joyful day.  Laughter and tears, they are usually partners in my life now, but to have friends to thank is such a gift I could never articulate it properly.  Thank you ladies for your love and celebration of this new life that will join our church soon enough:)  

Blanket for baby girl, made by Jacob's God Sister below...the sweetest gift a baby could get.
Made from pure love. 

Nikki, aka Photographer extraordinaire! Love these precious pictures...thank you so much!! 

To all these special ladies....you made this day, this year, one to remember and smile about:) 

Third Sunday In Lent: Veneration of the Cross

So, today was another anniversary of sorts but not necessarily a bad one.  As Orthodox we go by the old calendar and therefor our Easter generally falls on a different day than the one that most everyone else is familiar with, hence we are still in Lent.  Jacob died on a Saturday evening but the next day happened to be the third Sunday of Lent last year, as today was for us, and on the third Sunday we commemorate the Cross.  "The cross stands in the midst of the church in the middle of the lenten season not merely to remind men of Christ’s redemption and to keep before them the goal of their efforts, but also to be venerated as that reality by which man must live to be saved. “He who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” (Mt.10:38). For in the Cross of Christ Crucified lies both “the power of God and the wisdom of God” for those being saved (1 Cor.1:24)." www.oca.org 

I remember the time that I realized what had been commemorated at church that Sunday we were not there and hearing it was the Cross and thinking, "Well that is fitting". Seeing as how I'd never been given a bigger cross to bear it seemed fitting Jacob came hours before this particular day at our church.  We were not there last year but we were there today and I was glad to be there.  The 30 seconds of the sermon I was able to hear since Allie had her eye on a piece of bread in the hall, was something that our priest, Fr. Christopher said. I can't quote exactly but it went something like, Beware of the reward without the cross, or something to that effect.  Which to me means that all the greatest gifts in life, they generally come by way of sacrifice and hard work, in other words a cross of some sort.  Now a hard day at "work" for any of us, mom's especially, is one thing and very much a daily cross and some days are crazy challenging, but the cross of losing one's child and having to live for the others you may have, or that we were blessed to have, and STILL live through the crazy mom days is a far harder thing than I had ever known.  I guess looking back, I always thought that we got to somewhat control the crosses we bore or chose to bear but it seems to me now that the biggest crosses I have faced in my life have been the ones that I had no control over but that I had to carry.  To face your worst nightmare and have to walk into it I think is a huge cross and it makes it all the more meaningful when you go forward without even the strength to do it.  That is where I found God, and that was about all I found.  Even in the dark somehow I knew He was there, but in all honesty it was dark and for a long time.  Sometimes still, the cross of losing Jacob, not having him here and having to keep going on without him, feels like something I can't do and I fall down A LOT trying to do it.  It filters into so many aspects of our daily life I could never have been prepared for,  but maybe that is what life is supposed to be?  Having to constantly face what we can and can't do and what we can do if we ask for help from the One that really can help us. I think I'm rambling because I hate to get all preachy and hope this is not coming off as such but  I just have so much respect for others now that are taking up their crosses that have been placed in front of them. I don't think the feeling of not wanting to bear one's cross is a bad thing or detracts from the dignity of carrying it, whether you have a good day of carrying or a bad day and have to put it down to rest, regroup and try again, you are still taking up your cross and trying and THAT I think is the beauty, the work and the veneration of the Cross. It's not meant to be carried with perfection but with struggle and faith.  I don't get through every day with strength, I can probably count how many days I've felt strong since Jacob died on one hand, maybe two, but it's not about that I think.  It's just about moving forward at whatever pace I can.  My cross will always be there, whether I want it to be or not, but I have noticed that when I give myself a break and try to pace myself instead of running full speed I generally do better for longer.  It is hard to not run full speed to this delivery date for this baby, I am so overwhelmed with trying to organize, clean everything in my path, all those little crosses are starting to weigh me down.  It's been a long year of just survival and now I feel like I really need to get my super mom cape back on and be ready for this new baby, try to make everything "perfect" for her and for us, but really what is that? What is perfect? Maybe just having her healthy and breathing in my arms is the only perfection I should be worried about? I have no idea.  Life goes on and I know I have to face adult things like cleaning and entertaining the kids but maybe I'm being too hard on myself.  Maybe the best thing I can do for me, my family and this baby girl is to just relax and to trust God, take one day, one task at a time and just go slow.  Super mom probably does not exist but I sure do keep trying to be "her".  

The Last of the Firsts....

Well today, March 31st, not only marks Easter for most of the population but also the last of the "first" anniversaries for us with Jacob.  Today was Jacob's original due date.  It was one of the first milestones we had to face after he died and only two weeks after he died.  It was hard then and surprisingly to me it's kind of a hard day today too; I mean what is a due date really?  I don't count on them as none of my children have ever been born on their suggested due dates, yet still it marked a date we'd been anticipating 9 months with Jacob and so it's forever part of his short life and now our future as a result. 

 

We were asked to be God parents for our friends son, Peter John, and were/are very honored.  Originally the baptism was supposed to be in December but as usually happens with things, plans change and so his baptism ended up falling on today.  It really didn't occur to me that it was a "Jacob anniversary day" until this past week.  I think for survival, I try to block some of them out just for mental health, but this one was interesting just because Peter John is a boy, and a cute one at that, with lots of dark hair, like Jacob was born with.  Holding him through the service reminded me of what it's like to hold a baby and hold a boy.  It feels like it's been forever in some ways since I've held a baby and so it was surreal in that aspect.  It's hard not to think of what might have been or what Jacob's own baptism would have been like.  Still the energy it takes to "hold it together" sometimes is more exhausting than I am ever prepared for and sometimes, like today, it really sneaks up on me and catches me off guard.  It's hard to be faced with the reality sometimes that as wonderful and joyful as things can be, as baptisms are full of joy and new beginnings, there is also heartache and memories.  As a mother who's lost a child, there are so many times like this.  In fact, it's often the most joyous of moments that the realization really hits that our Jacob is really gone, we can't have him here and it's just the way it is.  It makes for an interesting emotion that seems indescribable and I was never aware of until Jacob died.  An emotion not of happiness or sadness but both wrapped up together in one package.  I would not even know what to call it, can't think of anything to call it.  Surprisingly the last baptism we were God parents for was for our friends and their daughter, our God daughter, Cassie. I was 8 months pregnant with Jacob during that baptism and am 8 months pregnant now.  I can only pray that that is where the similarities stop. 

 

As we finally move forward into a new phase of life, the phase after all the "firsts" without Jacob and onto anticipating and preparing for our new baby girl; Adam, Allie and Jacob's new sister (still yet to be officially named) I can only hope that God will give me the ability to focus on this new life that he has given us, for whatever time we have with her.  Selfishly, I pray that God can, if need be, preform a miracle if anything is wrong with her and that she can live a long and joyful life here with us on Earth and not one with her brother in Heaven.  I want to trust God that he will not put us through the loss of another child, but as I write this I know of more moms than I wish I did who have suffered more than one loss.  No matter how many we loose here on earth I know one day our family will all be together and it is because of Easter, the resurrection of Christ, that I believe this with all my heart. It is honestly the only thing that has really kept me going through all of this, other than Dan and the kids, the belief I have that one day, in the future, I WILL see Jacob, it WILL happen I just don't know when or how long from now.  I have to confess that every time I hear thunder or a weird storm sound, part of my heart leaps in hope that maybe the end of the world is upon us...I listen for the voice of God or angels to sing, a clap of thunder lounder than any I've ever heard, but as of yet, the only thing that follows is a normal storm and a slight sigh that today is not the day to see my sweet Jacob...not yet...not yet. 

 

So on this rainy Sunday, one year later, with the baptism of our newest God son Peter, I hope that I can find renewed hope to get me to the end of this seemingly endless pregnancy.  Our forth childs birth will be a step onto a new path and I hope that this new path holds a lot of joy and a new horizon that a year ago just seemed black and empty.  May you too, find hope in today and may you all be blessed. 

The girl at TJ Maxx saved my day....

So, out of the most unexpected places, I found myself stumped in a good way today. The day started out awful, I won't go into detail but just drama and that was all before church.  Church was, as usual, just a time where I say "Shhhh" and "No" and "Stop" over and over and over again to the kids along with running after Allie who I swear is faster than a fox.  Came home and after resting, sort of, made my way to the grocery store...something I detest and as a mom I find myself grumpily going there more than I ever want to.  So, I decided to stop at TJ Maxx to look for a new purse...you know, since what I've been using (my free Similac formula purse from getting 3D pictures of Allie) was ripping apart at the seams, yes, I'm sooo trendy, NOT.  Anyway, no luck on the purse but did find some other things and as I approached the cashier she said the familiar "Oh! When are you due?"  May I said... "Oh great....boy or girl?" Girl I said and then she asked if this would be my first to which I said this sounding like an idiot..."well this will be my third....well, really this will be my fourth." and knowing I sounded crazy since I had no idea how many kids I had, I started to explain expecting the all to common look of horror that washes over strangers faces as I tell them the truth about Jacob and that he died at birth.  To my GREAT surprise as I told her and explained, "Well, this will be our fourth. Our third died at birth about a year ago and so...." The fabulous TJ Maxx stranger cashier didn't skip a beat in telling me "Oh I know all about that.  My aunt lost a baby at birth.  Only got to hold him for 20  minutes but she did hear him take his last breath." I was so shocked that I was having a NORMAL conversation about babies dying with a complete stranger and we continued talking as she scanned my items.  "Oh and my sister lost her son and now she's pregnant again....etc." And on she went about all the babies she knew that has passed away and then said how much she was looking forward to her next neices' arrival later this year, as if we were talking about normal things.  Sometimes these strangers really catch you off guard and when someone allows you to feel normal and okay to share your loss and shares their own experience it breaks all the anxiety I carry around with me all the time still when I'm out and about.  I could not articulate it to her as I was in so much shock because this type of conversation so rarely occurs for me, but she managed to make what has been a very emotional week end on the best of notes.  I felt normal and part of a world where it's okay to talk about Jacob and not feel like I've just terrified another person by bringing up my "dead baby".  What a gift she gave me in the most unlikely of places.  People, good people, do exist and I am ever so grateful that God placed me at register #1 with a lovely honest cashier!  

Now if anyone knows where I can get a purse that the kids can spill milk on that is not over $50 let me know! I'm not spending $149 on a purse that will be inevitably stepped on, spit up on or cut with craft scissors.  Have a great week everyone:)

Happy Times With Jacob

One Year Later

So I am finally able to post these pictures. These are the maternity pictures we had taken on March 10th exactly a year ago. I wanted to post them the other day but did not have access to the correct computer. This was a day I had been praying for. Much like this year, the days had been very cold and dreary but this day was in the upper 50's maybe even lower 60's making it possible and comfortable to go outside for pictures.  It really was a wonderful day.  Stacey, our photographer, was so laid back and totally cool with the changing moods of the kids, she put me at as much ease as anyone could given trying to corral everyone and try to get those "good shots". My favorites are actually some of the ones where Allie is crying or Adam is not looking, getting his nose wiped by dad, because those are all the real moments.  How she got all the great pictures she did, that must have been divine intervention as well as her fabulous skills.  Looking back now, these are the most cherished pictures we may own.  I really had debated if we should do them or not.  There are always other things to spend money on, but as is true with some of my most loved earthly possessions these pictures rank among the top and were well worth the money spent.  I can not remember if I ever posted many of them. We received a majority of them well after Jacob had passed away.  I know I put a few on Facebook but have been waiting to share some of our favorites.  I hope Stacey won't mind that I cropped a few to make them more viewer appropriate...not sure if everyone wants to see my naked belly and didn't want to shock anyone although I cherish those just as much as the others.  

In an effort to focus the rest of the month and gather my thoughts I think this is the last post I'll blog for a while.  I am working on what the entirety of this last year has been like. I promise that all the saddest stuff is already out there, at least I hope so!  I never meant for this to depress everyone and I know that for some it maybe has. I apologize.  I just wanted to be as honest as I could be so that if/when my children read this, or anyone for that matter, they are reading the real stuff, not the stuff I still feel a nagging urge to write....the bright side of things....I promise I leave some of these posts and think, "Why did I not sugar coat it a little, maybe I should have? People will think I'm crazy and will now seriously run away from me if they see me coming!" There always is a bright side, but it is okay to share the dark too. I hope more people will, I know it makes me feel much better to read that others have struggled and makes me feel so much less alone and less crazy myself.  I am not the only mother to have lost a child and I have read stories of mothers that have lost all of their children.  This is the sad stuff of life, however, I find that remembering the joy we had is not a bad thing, it does not hurt all the time.  Below IS the time we had with Jacob; it's more than some families and mothers ever get so for those 9 months we are so grateful.  In the grief, sometimes it is hard for me even to remember the joy that did exist...it was real and was not erased, just cut shorter, much shorter than we were expecting.  I don't have to regret not having pictures done and I would have.

So here is all the joy before the storm.  With this new baby girl on the way, we are looking forward and praying for the storm to pass and the joy to filter it's way back into our lives in a way that sometimes only a baby can.  I hope she will know how much she is loved and how special she is, that she is not a replacement but a true blessing reminding us that the bad days do pass and love can be found again and felt again.  See you all at the end of the month:) 

Adam 2 years and 9 months old

Alexandra Ann "Allie" 1 year and 3 months old

 

                   

                     

                    

And here is the real picture....Dan wiping Adam's nose and me trying to hold Allie till we can try to "pose" for the next "real" picture:) 

    

                

How much happier could I have been?  I don't know that I could have been and I am blessed to have had this day.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Stacey!
March 10th, 2012
Our BEST day with Jacob and one of our best as a family....thus far!
More joy to come in 2013

www.staceylynnstudio.com 

March, thus far....

So much has happened, I keep trying to write about it all and it's too much to write about. I'm just going to list everything and maybe write about it later, sometime, when I can process it all. 

 

1. Our friends at church lost their 4th baby 1/2 way into the pregnancy, a boy. 
2. On Tuesday of this past week we held a service for baby Micah at our church, the first service for a baby since Jacob's service and only the second at our church for a child ever.
3. On Wednesday we all caravaned to the Monastery where Jacob is buried to also bury baby Micah.  He is buried right in front of Jacob.  Jacob is slowly adding friends in a way I never prepared myself for. 
4. On Wednesday Dan and I finally got about 5 uninterrupted minutes to spend at Jacob's grave again.  The first time since last August when we were there briefly together on our way to a much needed mini vacation in Charleston.  I finally was able to collect some sand from his grave and have it here next to me on my nightstand, although I'm not sure what I intend to do with it, I have wanted it for some time. 
5. On Thursday I crashed, exhausted from the days of trying to make this time for the other family as meaningful and special as others had made it for us and just running around unlike I have been doing over the last year.  The trips in the car at this stage of my pregnancy are not fun and so uncomfortable and always seem to bring on contractions which I know are normal but given the last year, they honestly freak me out now. Oh yeah, and I turned 34...completely forgot.  Dan and I were able to get to dinner that night! 
6. Yesterday, March 10th, was exactly one year after we did our maternity pictures as a family and our photographer Stacey took the picture of me in the white dress where I was so happy, so close to the end, I had no idea I was really close to the beginning of a whole different life. 
7. Yesterday also marked my fathers last Liturgy as acting Rector of the parish in Asheville that he has lead for the past 10 years.  We all piled into the car at 7 am (really 6 because of daylight savings) and drove to Asheville for the service.  Again, another long car trip and about 1 hour into the service I started having braxton hicks contractions.  Then they started coming every few minutes. I did not have my phone to time but guess it was about every three minutes.  Why was this happening? I have gotten braxton hicks contractions with each pregnancy, they have started a month earlier each time, but when they come every few minutes, as much as I don't want to and don't want to admit it, I freak out, more so than I did before loosing Jacob.  Thoughts of will this baby come early and be in the NICU? Will I go into labor and be without my midwife? Will something happen to this baby too? Calm down, calm down, calm down...just relax Nora I try to remind myself.  I hate the fear.  I decided to go to a back room at the church and rest, try to let this pass. 
8. Met baby born on the same day as Jacob...yes that is what I said...I went to the back room to try to rest in a comfortable chair, maybe the contractions would pass, they HAD to.  They have a  makeshift hospitality room with a day bed, chair and bathroom, toys strewn about the floor for kids that needed a break from church.  In there I met a mom that had a little boy. He had a cute fat belly that I would have loved, you know the baby fat you just want to kiss it's so cute.  She was a kind mom, young, and introduced herself to me.  I asked her how old he was and she said he was born on St. Patricks Day.  The words lingered in the air as I wondered if I had heard her right.  I said, "on March 17th? Really?"  She said "Yes, I'm so sorry for your loss."  I knew she was sincere and knew that I had lost Jacob that same day even though we had never met.  Since that time yesterday I've been in a bit of a haze.  I didn't feel the need to burst out into tears, nor did I get angry or upset, it's just been a slow realization, thought that has lingered, "Jacob would have been almost a year old...he probably would not have had a belly that big to kiss on, what would he look like now, how did I just meet a mom that had a baby that same day and her baby boy is here and Jacob should be too."  If I had had a mirror I suppose I had a deer in headlights look for the rest of the day.  Those things are hard, and that is something I was never prepared for, meeting another boy born the same day as Jacob just two hours earlier, I mean what are the chances? The contractions finally stopped after many many cups of water, just in time to pile back into the car for the two and a half hour ride home which was agony, contractions came back from time to time, now where to lay down or stretch out.  No where to go and cry.  We made it home just a little after 5.  I went straight to our bed to lay down, ate chinese food, in bed and with Dan's help got to bed early after he bathed the kids. Too much, just too much had happened in just this first week of March and I was beat, just wanted to crawl back into a hole where I could be alone, try to process all that had happened. 

Anyway, that has been the fist 10 days of this month.  Makes me wonder what the rest of the month will be like. 

 

March 6th, 1 day before my 34th birthday, finally getting some dirt/sand from Jacob's grave to have at home with us.  I like the ray of light in this picture, there are a few more of me collecting the dirt but only this one had that ray of light. 

Apparently Adam and I are always smiling, well, not sure what Adam is doing but, poor Allie and Dan...this is why we pay photographers to try to take pictures of us, no one is ever all looking at the camera at the same time.  Still a family picture we didn't have before this past week. 



My Birthday Dinner....34 years, baby number 4 on the way...a nice midweek break for what was a week of unexpected milestones. 

 

Birthday Reflections...

So,  I turn 34 today...I'm sure a baby to many but having just experienced the most traumatic year of my life thus far I feel older in many ways.  Until I turned 33 the most traumatic year of my life was probably our first year of marriage! Dan knows this as we were in it together but in comparison nothing really trumps the year you lose one of your children. I remember all the excitement, peace and joy I had on this day a year ago.  I was 33, about to have my third child, a boy, got to name him Jacob (a name I was dying to use), we were having pictures taken the coming weekend, everything was pretty clean in the house, I was almost done with the fatigue and uncomfortableness (probably not a word, but I'm too lazy to find our dictionary and those of  you that have been pregnant know exactly what I mean)  that comes with the last month of pregnancy, everything seemed to be so close to complete and what I had always dreamed of.  This day a year ago I was still innocent in a way I would never be again just 10 days later.  

So today, a year later, instead of feeling sad for all that we lost this last year, I feel a sense of accomplishment and peace.  I have survived.  I would not call it a graceful survival, more like a beat down and scrappy survival, but survival none the less.  I started this blog for myself and our family and have had such kind feedback.  I, in a year of nearly no accomplishment other than living through each day, which is actually a big accomplishment I suppose, but I have written the story of what loosing Jacob was like for us, for me, and found the confidence to share it with anyone that is willing to read.  For me that was my only real goal this year other than living and trying to be there for Adam, Allie and Dan as much as I humanly could.  There is still more to write about the last year, but I know it will come in time.  I learned to allow the sad moments to come when they did, out of the blue as they seemed to always occur, and somehow they always passed. I attribute their passing to the infinite prayers many have said for us, maybe even those prayers that many of you who are reading right now have prayed.  They did work, are continuing to work, and I am living proof of that.  It took longer for the sad moments to pass at times but I also found a peace over time in the last year in letting them run their course.  

In a way this last year has been a lot like natural labor without medication.  You know it's going to be painful but there is absolutely no way around it.  But just as I know labor does not last forever I have had faith all year that the grief, the heavy grief, would not last forever either and eventually I would find the light at the end of this journey.  Not even drugs can take away the pain of loosing your child and I didn't choose to take any to try; only those to help sleep as a sleep deprived grieving mom is/was, for me, not something that was absolutely necessary. Plus, I could not sleep all the time, having Adam and Allie prevented that, and the day time always allowed for the grief to surface.  But, it's been like labor in that I would have these waves of truly painful grief, they would grow, crest and then pass, just like contractions.  I could not control when or where they would happen or surface, the overwhelming grief, the tears, the deep deep gaping hole in my soul knowing Jacob was so far away and I could not have him, not here on this earth, not in this life.  All those emotions I felt and felt them fully, learned to feel them fully, let them be as they were, real and okay, and let them come out. I did not want to bottle everything up, I knew for me that would only delay the pain and grief and as much as it hurt I didn't want to be sad forever, I knew that.  I guess somehow I felt as though this past year would be the hardest and I pray that I will find that to be true in time as I can look back and am farther along.  The end of this labor for me will be the 17th when we lost our sweet Jacob; well then and I  anticipate when I again welcome a new baby into our family in May.  

As for today, I feel blessed to have survived my 33rd year of life by prayers and the true grace of God. I'm grateful to have two beautiful and healthy children, one more on the way and Jacob in Heaven.  I feel like now that I have survived this year, I can really survive anything although I hope that losing Jacob is the worst thing I must endure in this life.  God has blessed me with the most amazing man to be my partner and father to all four of our children.  I can't imagine my life with any other person.  I hope that the years to come will allow us to help other moms and families that have to endure a similar loss.  I anticipate and pray for joy and peace.  I know that I will have sad moments, I know the pain will surface at random times when I'm least expecting it and I thank God for all of those moments, they make me human and remind me to be  compassionate to others.  They also remind me to cherish my many blessings here and remember those that I already have in Heaven.  

Proof that all days are not so bad!

I thought after so many of you have read all of the hard stuff, the real stuff that is part of our life now, I would post some other things that are part of our life. Dan had to drive to Georgia to deliver a coffin today so has been gone since 7 AM leaving me at home to come up with an array of activities for myself and the kids to do to make this long day pass by without hearing "what can I do now mommy?" every 15 minutes.  As real as I have been I will not be so real as to post a picture of what I really look like today.  I have learned if I do not wake up before the kids to take a shower, meaning by 6 :30 AM, it rarely happens, so I am still wearing my lovely bathrobe, yesterday's mascara and a sloppy pony tail...a look I have managed to perfect over the last 4 years of pregnancy and motherhood.  I value sleep too much to get up that early, at least I did today:) 

The two people that, without any formal training in grief counseling, have managed to help me survive this last year.  Yes they have challenged me and my patience just as much as they did before Jacob died but their unconditional love and silliness constantly brings me back to this lovely world where they are.  Adam 3 3/4 and Allie 2 1/4.

So crafts today included Adam painting a small birdhouse we found for a $1 at Michael's, he did very well. And to the right an angel I'm making for the staff at the hospital where Jacob was born; one year in the making...figure I'm running out of time before the 17th.  I'll post a finished picture when it's complete!

Well to the right, Sour Cream Chocolate Tea Bread.
To the left the cutting board I somehow broke while trying to make my own chocolate chips since I had none. Decided to use 4 squares I have of bakers semi sweet chocolate, threw them in a Ziplock bag, gently laid the bag down on the cutting board and proceeded to smash the hell out of them with my heavy duty Kitchen Aid can opener...then switched to my heavy duty garlic press and somewhere in the process the cutting board gave way:) I felt better though!