The Last of the Firsts....

Well today, March 31st, not only marks Easter for most of the population but also the last of the "first" anniversaries for us with Jacob.  Today was Jacob's original due date.  It was one of the first milestones we had to face after he died and only two weeks after he died.  It was hard then and surprisingly to me it's kind of a hard day today too; I mean what is a due date really?  I don't count on them as none of my children have ever been born on their suggested due dates, yet still it marked a date we'd been anticipating 9 months with Jacob and so it's forever part of his short life and now our future as a result. 

 

We were asked to be God parents for our friends son, Peter John, and were/are very honored.  Originally the baptism was supposed to be in December but as usually happens with things, plans change and so his baptism ended up falling on today.  It really didn't occur to me that it was a "Jacob anniversary day" until this past week.  I think for survival, I try to block some of them out just for mental health, but this one was interesting just because Peter John is a boy, and a cute one at that, with lots of dark hair, like Jacob was born with.  Holding him through the service reminded me of what it's like to hold a baby and hold a boy.  It feels like it's been forever in some ways since I've held a baby and so it was surreal in that aspect.  It's hard not to think of what might have been or what Jacob's own baptism would have been like.  Still the energy it takes to "hold it together" sometimes is more exhausting than I am ever prepared for and sometimes, like today, it really sneaks up on me and catches me off guard.  It's hard to be faced with the reality sometimes that as wonderful and joyful as things can be, as baptisms are full of joy and new beginnings, there is also heartache and memories.  As a mother who's lost a child, there are so many times like this.  In fact, it's often the most joyous of moments that the realization really hits that our Jacob is really gone, we can't have him here and it's just the way it is.  It makes for an interesting emotion that seems indescribable and I was never aware of until Jacob died.  An emotion not of happiness or sadness but both wrapped up together in one package.  I would not even know what to call it, can't think of anything to call it.  Surprisingly the last baptism we were God parents for was for our friends and their daughter, our God daughter, Cassie. I was 8 months pregnant with Jacob during that baptism and am 8 months pregnant now.  I can only pray that that is where the similarities stop. 

 

As we finally move forward into a new phase of life, the phase after all the "firsts" without Jacob and onto anticipating and preparing for our new baby girl; Adam, Allie and Jacob's new sister (still yet to be officially named) I can only hope that God will give me the ability to focus on this new life that he has given us, for whatever time we have with her.  Selfishly, I pray that God can, if need be, preform a miracle if anything is wrong with her and that she can live a long and joyful life here with us on Earth and not one with her brother in Heaven.  I want to trust God that he will not put us through the loss of another child, but as I write this I know of more moms than I wish I did who have suffered more than one loss.  No matter how many we loose here on earth I know one day our family will all be together and it is because of Easter, the resurrection of Christ, that I believe this with all my heart. It is honestly the only thing that has really kept me going through all of this, other than Dan and the kids, the belief I have that one day, in the future, I WILL see Jacob, it WILL happen I just don't know when or how long from now.  I have to confess that every time I hear thunder or a weird storm sound, part of my heart leaps in hope that maybe the end of the world is upon us...I listen for the voice of God or angels to sing, a clap of thunder lounder than any I've ever heard, but as of yet, the only thing that follows is a normal storm and a slight sigh that today is not the day to see my sweet Jacob...not yet...not yet. 

 

So on this rainy Sunday, one year later, with the baptism of our newest God son Peter, I hope that I can find renewed hope to get me to the end of this seemingly endless pregnancy.  Our forth childs birth will be a step onto a new path and I hope that this new path holds a lot of joy and a new horizon that a year ago just seemed black and empty.  May you too, find hope in today and may you all be blessed.