Having sent from on high, O King of all, and taken the blessed infant, like a pure bird unto the heavenly nest, O Master, Thou has saved this soul from snares of many forms, and has united it with the souls of the Righteous who are enjoying the delights of Thy Kingdom. ~ From Jacob's memorial service

Purpose of my blog...

And so here I am...10 months post my son Jacob's unexpected death and writing a blog. I am not sure what I think about this but I do know that as everyone lovingly, yet haphazardly, always asks how I am doing this is the only way to sincerely and honestly let everyone know without spewing it all out each time. In person, I usually say the standard and most comfortable for others "I'm fine...how are you?" but here I can truly be honest. This is all very personal but I have found that an event such as the death of a child is still such a taboo in this society that people have lieterally no idea what this experience is like or how to react, help, or handle it when it happens to a freind, loved one, or even themselves. Selfishly, this blog is also a way for me to find my way through the fog of this year and try to figure out where I am. I have hesitated writing this as I don't want to be thought of as self-indulgent or a total bitter woman but I pray that in sharing, for someone, it will make it easier to understand how this experience has affected and continues to affect me and our family and maybe help someone out there to be a little more compassionate and kind to someone that they know that finds themself going through the same thing. So, for those of you that are still reading to this point and really want to know...well, here it all is...

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Saying Goodbye to Silas John

How does one even begin to describe saying goodbye to your Godson?  Adams face below says it all.  This was our sweet Silas John Hays.  He fell asleep in the Lord on Thursday September 4th after a long and brave fight with cancer.  I share the next part because it renews my belief and faith that we are never alone and especially not at the time of our death and I hope it gives everyone reading this the same faith.  

Silas, in the arms of his mother, with his Grammy there looked up and reached out  his arms to what he saw as his mother told him it was "okay to go".   "Mommy will be okay and Grammy will be okay."  And in peace, Silas left this broken world for one with the angels where there is no pain and no suffering.  He was not alone and he was not afraid.  I believe even more fervently now that Jacob was not alone either even though we did not get to see the angels that came to be with him at the time of his death.  I will be forever grateful to Silas for this.  There is so much we can't see.  

As I sit and type this Adam is playing church from the top of the stairs singing, "Christ is Risen from the dead, trampling down death by death..."  He is right. But for now, I am sad.  My heart is broken again.  There is a space left that can't be filled.  Our dear friends, who I thought would be spared from such a loss, just simply by knowing us and law of averages, they have lost their son too.  Noah has lost his brother and Adam, Allie and Elena have lost a God brother as well as a brother.  In a sweet monastery cemetery, four hours from here, lay four children we know in a row.  Micah & Isiah, our sweet Jacob and Silas now behind him.  How bittersweet.  

We sang the "Last Kiss" again and as I waited in a long line of friends and family to give Silas his last kiss, as he lay in another coffin Dan had to build,  that Dan was honored to build but never wanted to for any child, much less our Godson, I saw Silas' baptismal cross around his neck.  The one we gave him at his baptism.  How different things were those few short years ago before any of our sweet babies lay in a cemetery.  I long for the day we are all reunited, but until then this world is missing a sweet sweet boy who has, in his short life, touched so many lives and will be remembered and dearly missed by so many of us for many many years to come.  May Silas John's memory be eternal.  
                                                                                                                         
                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                    


Bottom left, Isiah & Micah Weesner, followed by the white cross which is Jacob's with Silas directly behind him.