Fear of the Home Stretch...

So here I find myself, 30 days from my due date and having Braxton Hicks contractions on and off every other day or so, sometimes every day and scared to death.  Talk about fear.  This whole pregnancy has been like a blur of time. After Jacob died I could not imagine the stress of going through another full pregnancy always waiting for the outcome, would we bring a baby home next time or go through the entire pregnancy only to hand another baby over to two men in suits from a funeral home.  This entire time I've been going through the pregnancy with my fingers in my ears trying to avoid any reality, "just make it till she's born, just make it till she's born" is what goes through my head over and over.  But now, in this final month, it's too real to ignore, I can't deny the pain of the contractions, the anxiety of, is this false labor or real labor?  Is my water getting ready to break or is this just my body practicing?  When will she come? Will she come early? Will she come late? Will she be breech like Jacob? If she's head down will it go too fast? Will it go slow like Jacob's did? Will we be able to do it at home?  Will there be complications that lead us to the hospital? Either way, will she be born crying and healthy like Adam and Allie or will she have some rare undetectable anomaly that we won't know about till I've labored and birthed again? Will we be caught off guard again? Will she sleep in the crib we have set up or will I have to strip that one day because she's not there?  This is the craziness of my head.  This is what life is like in my mind.  Faith, have faith, is my motto for when the crazy ideas/questions start rolling through my mind, but then I think, well let's be prepared for the worst as we were totally unprepared last time.  Still, I know fear does not come from God.  God did not make Jacob die. He was not punishing us, technically Jacob is still alive, just in the way that we won't be till we also die and get to experience whatever the eternal life is, God willing we make it to Heaven.  

But I REALLY want this baby to be here with me in this life.  I know that we can't always have what we want and that is certainly not what this life is all about.  But, still, the desire to hold this baby is so strong, to get to that moment when she just comes out and starts screaming, that the fear of it potentially not happening is just terrifying. And I have some 30 days or less to get through with all these thoughts. Sometimes I can calm them, usually I can, but every time I feel a contraction, which is increasingly more as we get closer, I can't help but think into crazy land.  Talk about a workout for the mind, an inner conflict, it is like a battle against God and Satan in my head and it's exhausting.  I've tried to fill my time by nesting and organizing, which is extremely hard considering we own about 4 baskets in this house and I think baskets are the key to organization with little ones! We plan to take advantage of Ikea to help remedy this one issue, but until then if it's cluttered I freak out more. At least though I can somewhat control the clutter.  The time this baby decides to come, is totally and completely out of my control and I think that is the hardest part.  When Jacob died it felt like I had no control over anything. Slowly I found things that I could make constant, and control to some extent.  But this, this time before the tragedy we experienced last time, the total lack of concern I had last time is so different from this time.  All I can do is try to be patient, calm, remember I have the caregivers that I feel the safest with, that I'm not alone and whatever happens I know God will help us through it, even if the worst happens.  I never doubt that.  I may need more drugs this time around should something go wrong and bottles of wine and extensive amounts of chocolate can be sent to us here at the house but I don't doubt that God helps us get through whatever unexpected things this imperfect life throws at us.  It's not easy but if we seek Him out, He's always there and I know that otherwise I would have left this life long ago.  

So looking at 30 days of something that is now out of my hands, not knowing when or how fast I will go into labor, not knowing which contraction will be the start of the end of this LONG journey and which ones are just practice ones, somehow I'll get through this.  Just like Jacob's funeral and burial that I didn't want to face, I don't want to face these unknown days but I will. I will pray and try to not freak out. I appreciate the friends I have that make me feel like a sane person because I am freaking out! I appreciate all the women I know that are in my boat right now and waiting too for the scream we all didn't get to hear last time.  The good scream, the one that will incite many many more for years to come, ones of joy and frustration that their brother/sister took their toys, annoyed them or touched them...that fist sound means so much more than this baby made it, but that this baby has a life here, however short or long and I will get to see her eyes open and close on their own, see her chest rise and fall with each breath, cry when she is hungry, smile when she's happy or gassy...if we can just get to there...surely after that moment I can finally breath again, really breath, and feel relief which I've only experienced in tidbits through the last 9 months.  Extended relief, oh won't that be nice! 

So below is for me really, to visually have proof of accomplishments we've made over the last month.  Before and after pictures of how we switched the rooms and finally decorated in preparation for this new life that we WILL have with this new baby girl...(thanks to a husband who is extremely handy and strong, not just physically but mentally to endure my insane nesting "must haves") I do feel more at ease now that their rooms are decorated, painted and mostly finished for them to enjoy and grow in!