Jacob's Story ~ Chapter 2 ~ Labor

~ Jacob's Birth Story~

This particular chapter I am writing today 10 months past Jacob's death, so I'm doing the best I can to remember the day in it's entirety.  March 17th fell on a Saturday.  It was a beautiful day.  The previous Saturday we had had a maternity photo session done with the kids and it was something I wanted to do anticipating that this would be my last pregnancy. As I've said before, having been pregnant for the past 3 out of 4 years I was truly ready for a break.  Dan and I had always wanted at least three children so, to me, everything was as complete as I felt it needed to be. I would have two boys and a girl, just as I'd always dreamed of and just wanted to capture the joy I had during pregnancy; capture that for my children so they could see how much I loved them even before they were born.  We had hoped to have at least one classic picture from the day to put up somewhere in the house where the kids would see it often and it would hopefully remind them of just how much I loved them all and how happy I was when I was pregnant with them.  So this was exactly one week after that photo session.  I had been having contractions on and off for weeks so that morning was no different, they were Braxton Hicks contractions that started a month earlier than they had with Allie so I was uncomfortable but used to it by that point.  I was not due till March 30th so didn't think much of it. 

I was getting ready for a baby shower later that day and actually taking the time to do my hair and makeup for a change.  The ladies at church were, I'm sure, busy setting up tables and food and decorations at the exact time my water broke.  It was about 11:30 AM and all of a sudden, sitting in my bathroom, curling my hair, the start of the worst day of my life began...I just didn't know it at the time.  This time, unlike the others, it was a flood instead of a slow trickle.  I remember calling for Adam who had been playing in our bedroom and telling him to go and get Aunt Rachel and tell her  "Mommy's water broke".  He was a little confused as to what was happening...to him I'm sure it looked like mommy was peeing on the floor, but he did realize the urgency of the situation, probably from the inability for me to stop it and the shocked look on my face.  I felt relieved and nervous. 

I guess this is a good time to say that, although we never thought we were the "type of people" to even consider home birth, turns out during our pregnancy with Adam, and after being disappointed with our OB and watching The Business of Being Born on Netflix, the idea started to form. Actually we had just wanted to find a doula for the hospital.  It was not until we could not find one and we got a call from Amy, our future midwife, that we finally decided a month before Adam was due to indeed go forward with a home birth.  We told NO ONE before hand.  Dan and I remember driving to meet Amy for the first time. She lives in the country and so driving into the unknown we thought "well, this will be a good story to tell!"  as we both assumed  this would be a total waste of our time, we would be uncomfortable meeting her, we were both indeed crazy as we both suspected and in the end we would just do it at the hospital as we had originally planned.  However, after meeting her, we both were 100% sure we would be having Adam at home and felt more comfortable with her than we EVER had at our OB's office.  She was one of the most comforting people I'd ever met, calm and unassuming, but confident and reassuring that I could indeed have this baby at home with her help, without drugs and not die as I think many women are lead to believe will happen if they choose to go without an epidural and with someone other than a sacred and accepted obstetrician.  I don't say this to impose my views on anyone, I am not that way, I think everyone should have the choice on where and how they birth their baby, even me.  For us, this is what WE wanted and I wanted to experience the labor and birth with as little intervention as possible...the way millions, well probably billions, of women had done it before me.  Plus, we knew the hospital was a quick 5 minutes away, so for us, it was perfect.  Little did I know that Amy would sit beside me, 4 years later, and talk me through the worst hour of my life. 

So, sitting there in a puddle of water, on what I was sure was a ruined chair by that point, I knew it was finally time.  The countdown was officially on to being done being pregnant and finally holding Jacob in our arms.  Dan called Amy and told her to come. With Allie, from the time my water broke to the time she was born, was only about 2 hours so this time I was expecting something similarly fast.  Amy said she was immediately on her way and I started timing contractions.  However, this is when things started to be a bit different.  Both Adam and Allie were exactly 5 days early so I really was not expecting this today, seeing as I had agreed to scheduling a baby shower I was now going to need to back out of at the literal last minute.  There was meconium in my water which continued to leak out more so than it had in the past and for some reason the contractions were not coming faster and faster.  I got in the bathtub to try to regulate them as Amy and Courtney (Amy's assistant, also a midwife, and had also been present for both Adam and Allie's births) arrived and it just was not progressing.  About an hour went by, it was maybe 3 PM by this point.  They decided to check to see how dilated I was. I remember them checking and looking like they were trying to figure something out as they measured, it was not the quick answer I was anticipating "well you're 5 cm dilated..." no it was this "Okay, so Jacob is footling breech.  His head is not down (it had been a week earlier) and that is why your contractions are not as consistent.  We can do two things....we can stay here and let you deliver him breech (Amy was experienced in delivering breech babies and was confident I could do it and she could as well.) or we can go to the hospital.  There is a chance if we go to the hospital that the doctor there could flip him and we may even be able to come home or you could just stay there and deliver.  If we do stay here, I want you to know that with a breech baby sometimes it can take them a minute or two to get breathing and that is normal but can be scary"  this is what I remember her saying at least.  So she and Courtney left the room for Dan and I to pray and talk about it.  We looked at each other and I said, "Well, we have been blessed to have two healthy, normal home births and although I want to be here I think I'd rather just go to the hospital just in case." Dan agreed and so the plan changed. Courtney helped me try to pack a suitcase...I was of little help as I was flustered. I was supposed to have done that in the event I needed to transfer to the hospital but I had done this twice before and just didn't feel the need to prepare for something that would not happen to me, yet there I was trying to think, knowing that things were different and I had to go to a hospital.  The only hospital that would allow me to labor  a breech baby was 45 minutes away so that is where we headed.  We arrived there probably sometime after 4 PM and proceeded to get checked in, wheeled to a room, changed to a gown and hooked up to all their bells and whistles.  That all took some time and gave me a bit of time to adjust to this unexpected turn of events.  The doctor came in, Dr. Susan, and let me know she was going to try to move him into a head down position externally first, if that didn't work, she would try to move him internally, and if that still didn't work as long as Jacob was not in distress I could labor naturally and if anything went "wrong" she could have him out in less than a minute.  So that was the plan.  They injected me with something that made my heart race, I remember them saying it was like the equivalent of drinking something like 10 Mountain Dews at once and in about 5 minutes I knew what they meant...it was supposed to help me relax or something while she repositioned Jacob. Dr. Susan was not a frail woman, she looked like she had just left a body building competition, beautiful but ripped, so I was a little nervous but she lubed up with mineral oil all over, told me to take a deep breath and then with a LOT of pressure she moved Jacobs head down.  It probably only took about 10 seconds but I can't imagine how much more it would have hurt had they not given me that crazy cocktail.  Within another 10-20 seconds however he turned right back around, feet first.  So onto phase two, maneuvering from the inside.  For this they inverted the bed backwards, as in I was feet up in the air and head low down to the ground, another deep breath and with this, from the inside, Dr. Susan moved Jacob.  This time it was not just pressure but pain, I cursed and tried to breath but it took my breath away and was extremely difficult to breath through.  When it was over, I felt like someone had knocked the air out of me, but I was also relieved that I had survived the second try.  However, to our dismay, a few seconds later Jacob again turned back around.  He was coming out feet first no matter what.

I was almost afraid to ask at this point but knew I needed to know to prepare mentally for what was to come..."Can I get an epidural if I want to?" I asked.  Dr. Susan said no as it would put too much stress on Jacob and they didn't want to risk it.  Ugh, so the first time I REALLY wanted the epidural that was out.  Well, then, my next question was the big one to me...."how dilated am I?"  I tried to brace myself for this answer, for them to say 5 or 6 cm... but to my great relief Amy said, "oh, you are 10 cm!"  OH THANK GOD I thought.  This gave me renewed hope.  According to Amy, or at least the way I remembered it, she said the only thing I had to do was wait for him to come down on his own, naturally, do my best not to push till it was absolutely go time and so I just needed to focus on getting through each contraction.  Okay, I thought, I can do this. I've done this twice before, Jacob will be here tonight, so it's just an hour or a few before this is all over and he'll be in my arms and I'll be done with going through labor, for forever maybe.  I did not mention before but Amy, our midwife, was there in the room with Dan and I the entire time, through the check in, through the repositioning that did not work, through the contractions, she was there supporting Dan and I and giving us encouragement.  That meant so much to me and did give me comfort. I knew she was protecting Jacob and I and that if anything went wrong I would be in the best hands possible.

By this time it was probably about 7 at night.  What a long day.  When my water had broken late morning I had thought we would have been holding Jacob for several hours by this time and here I was just getting into full swing labor, at the hospital nonetheless, getting ready to birth a breech baby.  The contractions progressed.  I remember hearing Jacob's heartbeat the entire time I was laboring, focusing on it, it was so steady and strong, comforting.  I have thought many a time how much I wish I had a recording of his heartbeat...looking back, those were the last sounds of his life, the last times his heart would beat.  The contractions were getting worse and worse, lasting longer and longer and I remember the time in between them was also growing shorter and shorter.  Trying not to push was getting harder and harder.  Dr. Susan came to check me as I was getting weak in spirit, remembering with each contraction how much labor hurts towards the end but always trying to remember it hurts the worst before it is all over and you're all of the sudden done and the pain vanishes away as you hear your baby cry and get to finally hold and look at them for the first time.   It's one of the best moments in life.  She checked me and was hoping to feel Jacob' s feet.  I remember feeling his feet meant I could finally start pushing.  No feet.  By this point I was so exhausted.  My legs were growing weak and shaking from exhaustion.  I had been standing through the contractions leaning on either Dan or our sweet sweet nurse Danielle for support, but standing/gravity, Amy assured me, would help Jacob come down so standing I was!  A few more contractions and Amy asked if I wanted to try to feel again for his feet. I felt like surely they had to be there, they had to be...so with great eagerness I tried to feel anything that resembled a foot, toe, any bottom part of Jacob and again, nothing.  Okay, I was starting to lose hope, he was never going to come out, I could not keep doing this, I was done, I didn't want to do this anymore, it hurt SOOO bad, "I'm done, I'm done, I'm done" is all I kept thinking.  Then the pressure started to build so strongly; the contractions got really strong.  I remember they were about 90 seconds long at this point so in my mind I had to get through 90 seconds and then breath....but this one...this one seemed to go from 90 to 120..."it's never going to end, there is no break" I thought, and the pressure to push, so intense, I said "I have to push, I have to push!"  Amy said okay but to try to take it easy...I told her to get Dr. Susan again...I didn't want to feel again for his feet and again feel nothing, I was at the end, I could not do this anymore...I though if I felt and again there were no feet I would die on the spot.  Maybe three more contractions came, it seemed like an eternity and I just kept thinking where is the damn doctor!!! They started putting the socks on me and getting Dan and I ready to move to the delivery room...the pressure was overwhelming, I felt like something was coming out, in the Dr. came, finally, and she felt and YES, feet! I knew it and so I just had to make it a few more minutes...Danielle held my weak body up as Dan, Amy and Dr. Susan finished getting scrubs on and off we went about only 30 feet away to the delivery room. 

Walking, I felt like he was going to fall out, I could definitely feel him and wondered if we'd waited too long to make our way to the delivery room..would he fall out?  I walked into the delivery room and next to a hospital bed. I remember a small crowd of hospital staff had gathered to see this breech delivery...as they so rarely happen at hospitals.  One of the nurses that was there, Nicole, I just officially met for the first time about a month ago.  She is a midwife but was the charge nurse that night...she was behind me, supporting me as I pushed and there through the next hour.  When I met her this past month, she filled me in on some of the gaps I had had about what happened next.

"He's coming out! He's coming out! Someone catch him!!!" I exclaimed.  At this point, there is a crowd of staff behind me, men and women I've never met...all looking at my back side...you all, I'm sure, are well aware of how hospital robes tie in the back...I don't think mine was tied at all at this point, but, what are you gonna do?  He was coming and I just had to make it a few more minutes, maybe less.  I pushed.  Nicole told me that the staff behind me were all asking who Amy was as she was guiding Dr. Susan on how to do the breech delivery.  After I pushed and Jacob was half way out (and this part until a month ago had been a mystery to me) I leaned back onto Nicole and she helped me get onto the bed to push one last time and deliver Jacob completely...I could not remember how I ended up on the bed for months.  With one final push, out he came.  9:01 PM. He was here!  Dr. Susan placed him on me immediately and I remember them rubbing him as they do with newborns to make them breath; get em going.  Jacob didn't open his eyes and I remember vividly that in the crease of his left eye, where his eyelids met, there was a line of blood, just from the delivery, but for some reason it seemed strange to me.  He was not crying but his color was great and so I remembered Amy saying earlier that day that it can take a minute or so for a breech baby to get his breath so I was not really alarmed. I am not super nervous with that stuff by nature so was pretty calm.  After about 10 seconds they took him to a table nearby and that is when the 61 minutes began that changed our lives, and us, forever.