Jacob's story : The difference of a year...

Purpose of my blog...

And so here I am...10 months post my son Jacob's unexpected death and writing a blog. I am not sure what I think about this but I do know that as everyone lovingly, yet haphazardly, always asks how I am doing this is the only way to sincerely and honestly let everyone know without spewing it all out each time. In person, I usually say the standard and most comfortable for others "I'm fine...how are you?" but here I can truly be honest. This is all very personal but I have found that an event such as the death of a child is still such a taboo in this society that people have lieterally no idea what this experience is like or how to react, help, or handle it when it happens to a freind, loved one, or even themselves. Selfishly, this blog is also a way for me to find my way through the fog of this year and try to figure out where I am. I have hesitated writing this as I don't want to be thought of as self-indulgent or a total bitter woman but I pray that in sharing, for someone, it will make it easier to understand how this experience has affected and continues to affect me and our family and maybe help someone out there to be a little more compassionate and kind to someone that they know that finds themself going through the same thing. So, for those of you that are still reading to this point and really want to know...well, here it all is...

Saturday, April 13, 2013

The difference of a year...

So, on a crisp cold Saturday in March, March 23rd, I was with people from our church, just as I had been the year before. This day was not like last year in many ways. This very day last year I was standing at a hole in the ground waiting for Jacob to be lowered down....This present day I was among many of the same women that had gathered together to celebrate Jacob's life the day I went into labor with him. The difference is, I made it to this shower and the day went exactly as planned. In fact, I was so focused on being happy for this baby and THIS shower that not even I, Jacob's mother, remembered until the next day the significance of the shower date. Some things I have learned are too much and sometimes it's okay to just be happy for a change. I still feel kind of guilty being happy, but on this day I truly was. Surrounded by many women who have been such a meaningful part of my life I was able to celebrate our daughter's life. She has been alive and with us for almost 9 months now, we still are not sure of her name, but it does not diminish our joy in every moment and every day we are given with her, even before we meet her face to face and can see the miracle that God has granted us. I have learned that living in the moment is much more useful than daydreaming about the future, one that is unknown. Still, to open gifts and see things that she will wear, sleep in, spit up on, they are all steps of faith towards the hope that she will be there to make all the memories we have already virtually placed her in. It's impossible to not work these little unborn babies into our families and future vacations, holidays, trips, events, school spacing between the kids, visiting Jacob even. We did the same for Jacob and as hard as it is to come upon those events and realize his absence, those events that we had already worked him into, they keep him alive in our hearts and in our family.

So for this day in March, very different in many ways than the day we buried Jacob, I was happy. You can see it and although my dear friend Nikki, our photographer for the day (who should go professional) captured all the smiles I did have a near breakdown at the end thanking everyone for all they have done for us, Dan and I and the kids, to get to this day, this new joyful day. Laughter and tears, they are usually partners in my life now, but to have friends to thank is such a gift I could never articulate it properly. Thank you ladies for your love and celebration of this new life that will join our church soon enough:)