Having sent from on high, O King of all, and taken the blessed infant, like a pure bird unto the heavenly nest, O Master, Thou has saved this soul from snares of many forms, and has united it with the souls of the Righteous who are enjoying the delights of Thy Kingdom. ~ From Jacob's memorial service

Purpose of my blog...

And so here I am...10 months post my son Jacob's unexpected death and writing a blog. I am not sure what I think about this but I do know that as everyone lovingly, yet haphazardly, always asks how I am doing this is the only way to sincerely and honestly let everyone know without spewing it all out each time. In person, I usually say the standard and most comfortable for others "I'm fine...how are you?" but here I can truly be honest. This is all very personal but I have found that an event such as the death of a child is still such a taboo in this society that people have lieterally no idea what this experience is like or how to react, help, or handle it when it happens to a freind, loved one, or even themselves. Selfishly, this blog is also a way for me to find my way through the fog of this year and try to figure out where I am. I have hesitated writing this as I don't want to be thought of as self-indulgent or a total bitter woman but I pray that in sharing, for someone, it will make it easier to understand how this experience has affected and continues to affect me and our family and maybe help someone out there to be a little more compassionate and kind to someone that they know that finds themself going through the same thing. So, for those of you that are still reading to this point and really want to know...well, here it all is...

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Proof that all days are not so bad!

I thought after so many of you have read all of the hard stuff, the real stuff that is part of our life now, I would post some other things that are part of our life. Dan had to drive to Georgia to deliver a coffin today so has been gone since 7 AM leaving me at home to come up with an array of activities for myself and the kids to do to make this long day pass by without hearing "what can I do now mommy?" every 15 minutes.  As real as I have been I will not be so real as to post a picture of what I really look like today.  I have learned if I do not wake up before the kids to take a shower, meaning by 6 :30 AM, it rarely happens, so I am still wearing my lovely bathrobe, yesterday's mascara and a sloppy pony tail...a look I have managed to perfect over the last 4 years of pregnancy and motherhood.  I value sleep too much to get up that early, at least I did today:) 

The two people that, without any formal training in grief counseling, have managed to help me survive this last year.  Yes they have challenged me and my patience just as much as they did before Jacob died but their unconditional love and silliness constantly brings me back to this lovely world where they are.  Adam 3 3/4 and Allie 2 1/4.

So crafts today included Adam painting a small birdhouse we found for a $1 at Michael's, he did very well. And to the right an angel I'm making for the staff at the hospital where Jacob was born; one year in the making...figure I'm running out of time before the 17th.  I'll post a finished picture when it's complete!
Well to the right, Sour Cream Chocolate Tea Bread.
To the left the cutting board I somehow broke while trying to make my own chocolate chips since I had none. Decided to use 4 squares I have of bakers semi sweet chocolate, threw them in a Ziplock bag, gently laid the bag down on the cutting board and proceeded to smash the hell out of them with my heavy duty Kitchen Aid can opener...then switched to my heavy duty garlic press and somewhere in the process the cutting board gave way:) I felt better though!

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2 comments:

  1. Michelle M.March 6, 2013 at 1:24 PM

    How funny about the cutting board- at least you are able to laugh about it :) Your children are beautiful! We we had our miscarriages, I feel so fortunate to have my child to force me to pull through. Yeah, it is hard to parent through grief, but I found that my children helped in little ways. I have a bad temper naturally, so grief did not help that.
    I hope that as you approach the anniversary of Jacob's birth and passing you will find a bit of peace. And if you ever need to get some grief out, just make some more chocolate chips :) Hugs!

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    1. norakMarch 7, 2013 at 12:20 PM

      Haha...I have a bad temper too. I think others think that we, as mothers who have lost, have an even greater amount of patience as we know that we can loose them, however grief and parenting are a hard mix and you still have hard days, they are just extra hard because one or more of your babies is not there and won't be:( I am starting to feel peace. I still have moments out of nowhere but more peace finally!

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