Fear of the Home Stretch...

So here I find myself, 30 days from my due date and having Braxton Hicks contractions on and off every other day or so, sometimes every day and scared to death.  Talk about fear.  This whole pregnancy has been like a blur of time. After Jacob died I could not imagine the stress of going through another full pregnancy always waiting for the outcome, would we bring a baby home next time or go through the entire pregnancy only to hand another baby over to two men in suits from a funeral home.  This entire time I've been going through the pregnancy with my fingers in my ears trying to avoid any reality, "just make it till she's born, just make it till she's born" is what goes through my head over and over.  But now, in this final month, it's too real to ignore, I can't deny the pain of the contractions, the anxiety of, is this false labor or real labor?  Is my water getting ready to break or is this just my body practicing?  When will she come? Will she come early? Will she come late? Will she be breech like Jacob? If she's head down will it go too fast? Will it go slow like Jacob's did? Will we be able to do it at home?  Will there be complications that lead us to the hospital? Either way, will she be born crying and healthy like Adam and Allie or will she have some rare undetectable anomaly that we won't know about till I've labored and birthed again? Will we be caught off guard again? Will she sleep in the crib we have set up or will I have to strip that one day because she's not there?  This is the craziness of my head.  This is what life is like in my mind.  Faith, have faith, is my motto for when the crazy ideas/questions start rolling through my mind, but then I think, well let's be prepared for the worst as we were totally unprepared last time.  Still, I know fear does not come from God.  God did not make Jacob die. He was not punishing us, technically Jacob is still alive, just in the way that we won't be till we also die and get to experience whatever the eternal life is, God willing we make it to Heaven.  

But I REALLY want this baby to be here with me in this life.  I know that we can't always have what we want and that is certainly not what this life is all about.  But, still, the desire to hold this baby is so strong, to get to that moment when she just comes out and starts screaming, that the fear of it potentially not happening is just terrifying. And I have some 30 days or less to get through with all these thoughts. Sometimes I can calm them, usually I can, but every time I feel a contraction, which is increasingly more as we get closer, I can't help but think into crazy land.  Talk about a workout for the mind, an inner conflict, it is like a battle against God and Satan in my head and it's exhausting.  I've tried to fill my time by nesting and organizing, which is extremely hard considering we own about 4 baskets in this house and I think baskets are the key to organization with little ones! We plan to take advantage of Ikea to help remedy this one issue, but until then if it's cluttered I freak out more. At least though I can somewhat control the clutter.  The time this baby decides to come, is totally and completely out of my control and I think that is the hardest part.  When Jacob died it felt like I had no control over anything. Slowly I found things that I could make constant, and control to some extent.  But this, this time before the tragedy we experienced last time, the total lack of concern I had last time is so different from this time.  All I can do is try to be patient, calm, remember I have the caregivers that I feel the safest with, that I'm not alone and whatever happens I know God will help us through it, even if the worst happens.  I never doubt that.  I may need more drugs this time around should something go wrong and bottles of wine and extensive amounts of chocolate can be sent to us here at the house but I don't doubt that God helps us get through whatever unexpected things this imperfect life throws at us.  It's not easy but if we seek Him out, He's always there and I know that otherwise I would have left this life long ago.  

So looking at 30 days of something that is now out of my hands, not knowing when or how fast I will go into labor, not knowing which contraction will be the start of the end of this LONG journey and which ones are just practice ones, somehow I'll get through this.  Just like Jacob's funeral and burial that I didn't want to face, I don't want to face these unknown days but I will. I will pray and try to not freak out. I appreciate the friends I have that make me feel like a sane person because I am freaking out! I appreciate all the women I know that are in my boat right now and waiting too for the scream we all didn't get to hear last time.  The good scream, the one that will incite many many more for years to come, ones of joy and frustration that their brother/sister took their toys, annoyed them or touched them...that fist sound means so much more than this baby made it, but that this baby has a life here, however short or long and I will get to see her eyes open and close on their own, see her chest rise and fall with each breath, cry when she is hungry, smile when she's happy or gassy...if we can just get to there...surely after that moment I can finally breath again, really breath, and feel relief which I've only experienced in tidbits through the last 9 months.  Extended relief, oh won't that be nice! 

So below is for me really, to visually have proof of accomplishments we've made over the last month.  Before and after pictures of how we switched the rooms and finally decorated in preparation for this new life that we WILL have with this new baby girl...(thanks to a husband who is extremely handy and strong, not just physically but mentally to endure my insane nesting "must haves") I do feel more at ease now that their rooms are decorated, painted and mostly finished for them to enjoy and grow in! 

                              

                                 

                            

              

                            

 

The difference of a year...

So, on a crisp cold Saturday in March, March 23rd, I was with people from our church, just as I had been the year before.  This day was not like last year in many ways. This very day last year I was standing at a hole in the ground waiting for Jacob to be lowered down....This present day I was among many of the same women that had gathered together to celebrate Jacob's life the day I went into labor with him.  The difference is, I made it to this shower and the day went exactly as planned.  In fact, I was so focused on being happy for this baby and THIS shower that not even I, Jacob's mother, remembered until the next day the significance of the shower date.  Some things I have learned are too much and sometimes it's okay to just be happy for a change.  I still feel kind of guilty being happy, but on this day I truly was.  Surrounded by many women who have been such a meaningful part of my life I was able to celebrate our daughter's life.  She has been alive and with us for almost 9 months now, we still are not sure of her name, but it does not diminish our joy in every moment and every day we are given with her, even before we meet her face to face and can see the miracle that God has granted us.  I have learned that living in the moment is much more useful than daydreaming about the future, one that is unknown.  Still, to open gifts and see things that she will wear, sleep in, spit up on, they are all steps of faith towards the hope that she will be there to make all the memories we have already virtually placed her in.  It's impossible to not work these little unborn babies into our families and future vacations, holidays, trips, events, school spacing between the kids, visiting Jacob even.   We did the same for Jacob and as hard as it is to come upon those events and realize his absence,  those events that we had already worked him into, they keep him alive in our hearts and in our family.  

So for this day in March, very different in many ways than the day we buried Jacob, I was happy.  You can see it and although my dear friend Nikki, our photographer for the day (who should go professional) captured all the smiles I did have a near breakdown at the end thanking everyone for all they have done for us, Dan and I and the kids, to get to this day, this new joyful day.  Laughter and tears, they are usually partners in my life now, but to have friends to thank is such a gift I could never articulate it properly.  Thank you ladies for your love and celebration of this new life that will join our church soon enough:)  

Blanket for baby girl, made by Jacob's God Sister below...the sweetest gift a baby could get.
Made from pure love. 

Nikki, aka Photographer extraordinaire! Love these precious pictures...thank you so much!! 

To all these special ladies....you made this day, this year, one to remember and smile about:) 

Third Sunday In Lent: Veneration of the Cross

So, today was another anniversary of sorts but not necessarily a bad one.  As Orthodox we go by the old calendar and therefor our Easter generally falls on a different day than the one that most everyone else is familiar with, hence we are still in Lent.  Jacob died on a Saturday evening but the next day happened to be the third Sunday of Lent last year, as today was for us, and on the third Sunday we commemorate the Cross.  "The cross stands in the midst of the church in the middle of the lenten season not merely to remind men of Christ’s redemption and to keep before them the goal of their efforts, but also to be venerated as that reality by which man must live to be saved. “He who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” (Mt.10:38). For in the Cross of Christ Crucified lies both “the power of God and the wisdom of God” for those being saved (1 Cor.1:24)." www.oca.org 

I remember the time that I realized what had been commemorated at church that Sunday we were not there and hearing it was the Cross and thinking, "Well that is fitting". Seeing as how I'd never been given a bigger cross to bear it seemed fitting Jacob came hours before this particular day at our church.  We were not there last year but we were there today and I was glad to be there.  The 30 seconds of the sermon I was able to hear since Allie had her eye on a piece of bread in the hall, was something that our priest, Fr. Christopher said. I can't quote exactly but it went something like, Beware of the reward without the cross, or something to that effect.  Which to me means that all the greatest gifts in life, they generally come by way of sacrifice and hard work, in other words a cross of some sort.  Now a hard day at "work" for any of us, mom's especially, is one thing and very much a daily cross and some days are crazy challenging, but the cross of losing one's child and having to live for the others you may have, or that we were blessed to have, and STILL live through the crazy mom days is a far harder thing than I had ever known.  I guess looking back, I always thought that we got to somewhat control the crosses we bore or chose to bear but it seems to me now that the biggest crosses I have faced in my life have been the ones that I had no control over but that I had to carry.  To face your worst nightmare and have to walk into it I think is a huge cross and it makes it all the more meaningful when you go forward without even the strength to do it.  That is where I found God, and that was about all I found.  Even in the dark somehow I knew He was there, but in all honesty it was dark and for a long time.  Sometimes still, the cross of losing Jacob, not having him here and having to keep going on without him, feels like something I can't do and I fall down A LOT trying to do it.  It filters into so many aspects of our daily life I could never have been prepared for,  but maybe that is what life is supposed to be?  Having to constantly face what we can and can't do and what we can do if we ask for help from the One that really can help us. I think I'm rambling because I hate to get all preachy and hope this is not coming off as such but  I just have so much respect for others now that are taking up their crosses that have been placed in front of them. I don't think the feeling of not wanting to bear one's cross is a bad thing or detracts from the dignity of carrying it, whether you have a good day of carrying or a bad day and have to put it down to rest, regroup and try again, you are still taking up your cross and trying and THAT I think is the beauty, the work and the veneration of the Cross. It's not meant to be carried with perfection but with struggle and faith.  I don't get through every day with strength, I can probably count how many days I've felt strong since Jacob died on one hand, maybe two, but it's not about that I think.  It's just about moving forward at whatever pace I can.  My cross will always be there, whether I want it to be or not, but I have noticed that when I give myself a break and try to pace myself instead of running full speed I generally do better for longer.  It is hard to not run full speed to this delivery date for this baby, I am so overwhelmed with trying to organize, clean everything in my path, all those little crosses are starting to weigh me down.  It's been a long year of just survival and now I feel like I really need to get my super mom cape back on and be ready for this new baby, try to make everything "perfect" for her and for us, but really what is that? What is perfect? Maybe just having her healthy and breathing in my arms is the only perfection I should be worried about? I have no idea.  Life goes on and I know I have to face adult things like cleaning and entertaining the kids but maybe I'm being too hard on myself.  Maybe the best thing I can do for me, my family and this baby girl is to just relax and to trust God, take one day, one task at a time and just go slow.  Super mom probably does not exist but I sure do keep trying to be "her".