~ Breath ~
I wish I could say I did yoga all the time but as with
many things in my life yoga had been a phase not a routine, but when I did do
yoga I remember everyone saying how important the breathing was. Pranayama is the art of Yoga breathing;
When the Breath wanders, the mind is unsteady, but when the Breath is still, so is
the mind still.”
~Hatha Yoga Pradipika
At this moment, one of the last moments I
had been dreading all week, my mind and everything around me was still. The time had come to put my baby in the
ground, to say goodbye, to be separated by space, earth and time. I sat there next to him with my hand on his
coffin, the coffin Dan made for him, our baby.
I saw things happening around me but there was just no sound. Only the
sound of my breath. Inhale,
exhale……inhale, exhale. I could hear only that sound, something I had tried so
hard to do in the past in trying to do Yoga the “right way”. Suddenly this
relaxing silence I had coveted so often, was turning into the worst memory of
my life. Not one of relaxation but one
of true sadness and emptiness. It was as
if all the organs in my body ceased to exist except for my lungs and as I
breathed in the hollowness of my body filled with that air till I exhaled and
it left my body empty and hollow. I was,
and still am, amazed at how very quiet it was.
I don’t think it was the same space that everyone around me was in…it
felt like some sort of in-between place. A sacred space for just Jacob and I
together for the last few moments. To
this day, whenever it is quiet or I try to relax by taking deep breaths, it
just transports me back to this moment…sitting next to Jacob in our van knowing
it was the last time with him. Dan walked
back to the van. As I watched him come I
knew it was time to start the final service.
My soul ached. It felt as though
it was being ripped from my body, yet again, one final time, and I knew there was nothing I could do to
stop this. I considered opening the lid,
grabbing Jacob and just holding him there on the dirt ground until the end of
my life, but that was not an option. It
was time and we had to part. Dan got to
the van and as I expected he said “It’s time”.
He asked me if I wanted to look at Jacob one last time and honestly, I was scared. He had not been embalmed and we’d just driven
him there in a car, on a warm day and I was worried he would not look how he had
even 5 hours earlier. But I also knew
Dan wanted to say goodbye one more time and I could never choose to not look at
his sweet face, especially one last time. Dan carefully opened the lid. We looked at his sweet face which was just
blotchy and red, a lot like I look when I cry my ugly cry. We both told him we loved him. Dan kissed his
forehead and I followed. I held my
breath out of fear that his sweet baby smell would be different and I could not
bear to remember this moment in that way.
And for the last time we looked upon his face and then, for the last
time, we placed the lid back over him and cried.
I remember thinking that I just needed to
hold it together a little longer. This
hell of a week would be over in a matter of moments and I just had to hold it
together a few more minutes. The rain seemed as if it would start any minute so
we needed to hurry up anyway. Dan’s
brothers, Pete and Nick, came back and picked up his coffin and we began our last
procession with him. The song started
again, “Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, Have Mercy on us.” The wind started to pick up a bit and leaves
were beginning to blow. They walked his
coffin to the hole and gently placed it on two 2X4’s to hold it over the hole
the nuns had dug just a few hours earlier as Fr. John sensed Jacob for the last
time. It was a tight space. I was holding Allie and she was fussy and
fidgety. Dan held Adam who had his arms
around Dan and was quiet. My focus was
drawn to Allie and I was grateful. I could not focus on what was being said and
what was happening. I was so exhausted,
there was so little I had left to concentrate with. As had been true through the week, Adam and
Allie were pulling me and my focus into this world, where they were and I was, and requiring me to attend to them and their needs. Small raindrops were starting to fall on us
and everyone. I was just praying it would not pour down and prolong this final
service. I just could not bear this to
go on any longer. Allie really started
fussing so my mom, or someone, went to go fetch Allie’s “bop” her word for her pacifier. As the short service continued and came to a
close the rain began to fall. I guess
the heavens had held back their tears as long as they could as well. My dear friend Darlene found an umbrella and
came to try to keep me, Dan and the kids dry.
By this time the service was ending and Fr. John began to talk, the
final words before Jacob would be buried.
I don’t remember what he said but remember vividly that as he talked the
Heavens literally opened up and the rain poured down.
Everyone, stood there, being drenched by rain but with no intention of
running for cover or moving. As if everyone’s legs were glued to their
spot. I remember being worried for the
kids and everyone and expecting to see people just run for cover and leave us
there to finish up on our own but to their credit they all stayed. Rain was dripping from Fr. Johns face onto his
beautiful vestments as he talked of this final goodbye. One of the nuns waved Jacob’s God-brother, Fr.
John’s son Noah, over to help with the 2X4’s to remove them. He did and they placed Jacob’s coffin in the
ground. With flowers that we had from
Jacob’s service we threw them in on top of his coffin and after placing some
dirt in, the nun, also totally soaked by this point, started to fill the hole
with earth that had been there just a few hours before. This time my baby was in
the ground though.
To this day I don’t know why for sure but when they lowered
Jacob’s coffin into the ground Adam began to cry…not his normal cry, but the
kind of cry that sounds like wailing. My
heart broke for him. I think he was just
so overcome with emotion that it just came out as raw as it was. True sadness. I didn’t see or watch them finish filling his
hole. Adam and Allie were crying and wet
and I wanted to get them in the car as well as get my friend Darlene somewhere
where she could get some relief of her own from trying to keep us dry. We ran to the van threw Allie and Adam in and
all drove back to the nuns home. It was
over. This long week was over and Jacob
was forever separated from me and in this place, this sweet, precious
place. We all piled into the nuns
home. As I walked in someone handed me a
towel and I tried to dry myself and the kids off along with everyone else that
had so lovingly and selflessly stood in the rain with us.
As sad as I was to have just had my son buried, I was relieved. I had
pushed my body, heart and soul farther than I ever had before, ever knew I could, and I was truly
exhausted. As we all dried off and got
settled Fr. John said “Christ is Risen” and as we respond as Orthodox, we all
said “Indeed He is Risen” as the resurrection of Christ is the hope that we
have that, one day, we will all resurrect with him. It, for some reason, seemed fitting to sing
the song called “The Angel Cried” and we
did. Adam paid attention as he wanted to
sing this song almost every day for probably about two months after we buried
Jacob. Adam saw us rejoicing for the
first time since Jacob had died almost a week earlier and I believe he held
onto this and focused on this aspect of Jacob’s death more than any other. He wants us to be happy and he saw us happy when
we sang that. It was the first time I’d been able to sing anything since Jacob
died and it was one of the only songs I sang for a while. I barely got it out but somehow I did. How do our children know what is important;
what is most important? They are
precious creatures and if we could focus like them more of the time on what IS
important I’m convinced that this world would be a much better place.
Our sweet baby Jacob's final resting place
Below is an Orthodox choir, not our church unfortunatly, but they are singing "The Angel Cried", the song that we sang after Jacob's burial. It is sung at Pascha, Easter, and is about the angel telling Mary that her Son has risen from the dead.
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