Birthday Reflections...

So,  I turn 34 today...I'm sure a baby to many but having just experienced the most traumatic year of my life thus far I feel older in many ways.  Until I turned 33 the most traumatic year of my life was probably our first year of marriage! Dan knows this as we were in it together but in comparison nothing really trumps the year you lose one of your children. I remember all the excitement, peace and joy I had on this day a year ago.  I was 33, about to have my third child, a boy, got to name him Jacob (a name I was dying to use), we were having pictures taken the coming weekend, everything was pretty clean in the house, I was almost done with the fatigue and uncomfortableness (probably not a word, but I'm too lazy to find our dictionary and those of  you that have been pregnant know exactly what I mean)  that comes with the last month of pregnancy, everything seemed to be so close to complete and what I had always dreamed of.  This day a year ago I was still innocent in a way I would never be again just 10 days later.  

So today, a year later, instead of feeling sad for all that we lost this last year, I feel a sense of accomplishment and peace.  I have survived.  I would not call it a graceful survival, more like a beat down and scrappy survival, but survival none the less.  I started this blog for myself and our family and have had such kind feedback.  I, in a year of nearly no accomplishment other than living through each day, which is actually a big accomplishment I suppose, but I have written the story of what loosing Jacob was like for us, for me, and found the confidence to share it with anyone that is willing to read.  For me that was my only real goal this year other than living and trying to be there for Adam, Allie and Dan as much as I humanly could.  There is still more to write about the last year, but I know it will come in time.  I learned to allow the sad moments to come when they did, out of the blue as they seemed to always occur, and somehow they always passed. I attribute their passing to the infinite prayers many have said for us, maybe even those prayers that many of you who are reading right now have prayed.  They did work, are continuing to work, and I am living proof of that.  It took longer for the sad moments to pass at times but I also found a peace over time in the last year in letting them run their course.  

In a way this last year has been a lot like natural labor without medication.  You know it's going to be painful but there is absolutely no way around it.  But just as I know labor does not last forever I have had faith all year that the grief, the heavy grief, would not last forever either and eventually I would find the light at the end of this journey.  Not even drugs can take away the pain of loosing your child and I didn't choose to take any to try; only those to help sleep as a sleep deprived grieving mom is/was, for me, not something that was absolutely necessary. Plus, I could not sleep all the time, having Adam and Allie prevented that, and the day time always allowed for the grief to surface.  But, it's been like labor in that I would have these waves of truly painful grief, they would grow, crest and then pass, just like contractions.  I could not control when or where they would happen or surface, the overwhelming grief, the tears, the deep deep gaping hole in my soul knowing Jacob was so far away and I could not have him, not here on this earth, not in this life.  All those emotions I felt and felt them fully, learned to feel them fully, let them be as they were, real and okay, and let them come out. I did not want to bottle everything up, I knew for me that would only delay the pain and grief and as much as it hurt I didn't want to be sad forever, I knew that.  I guess somehow I felt as though this past year would be the hardest and I pray that I will find that to be true in time as I can look back and am farther along.  The end of this labor for me will be the 17th when we lost our sweet Jacob; well then and I  anticipate when I again welcome a new baby into our family in May.  

As for today, I feel blessed to have survived my 33rd year of life by prayers and the true grace of God. I'm grateful to have two beautiful and healthy children, one more on the way and Jacob in Heaven.  I feel like now that I have survived this year, I can really survive anything although I hope that losing Jacob is the worst thing I must endure in this life.  God has blessed me with the most amazing man to be my partner and father to all four of our children.  I can't imagine my life with any other person.  I hope that the years to come will allow us to help other moms and families that have to endure a similar loss.  I anticipate and pray for joy and peace.  I know that I will have sad moments, I know the pain will surface at random times when I'm least expecting it and I thank God for all of those moments, they make me human and remind me to be  compassionate to others.  They also remind me to cherish my many blessings here and remember those that I already have in Heaven.