March, thus far....

So much has happened, I keep trying to write about it all and it's too much to write about. I'm just going to list everything and maybe write about it later, sometime, when I can process it all. 

 

1. Our friends at church lost their 4th baby 1/2 way into the pregnancy, a boy. 
2. On Tuesday of this past week we held a service for baby Micah at our church, the first service for a baby since Jacob's service and only the second at our church for a child ever.
3. On Wednesday we all caravaned to the Monastery where Jacob is buried to also bury baby Micah.  He is buried right in front of Jacob.  Jacob is slowly adding friends in a way I never prepared myself for. 
4. On Wednesday Dan and I finally got about 5 uninterrupted minutes to spend at Jacob's grave again.  The first time since last August when we were there briefly together on our way to a much needed mini vacation in Charleston.  I finally was able to collect some sand from his grave and have it here next to me on my nightstand, although I'm not sure what I intend to do with it, I have wanted it for some time. 
5. On Thursday I crashed, exhausted from the days of trying to make this time for the other family as meaningful and special as others had made it for us and just running around unlike I have been doing over the last year.  The trips in the car at this stage of my pregnancy are not fun and so uncomfortable and always seem to bring on contractions which I know are normal but given the last year, they honestly freak me out now. Oh yeah, and I turned 34...completely forgot.  Dan and I were able to get to dinner that night! 
6. Yesterday, March 10th, was exactly one year after we did our maternity pictures as a family and our photographer Stacey took the picture of me in the white dress where I was so happy, so close to the end, I had no idea I was really close to the beginning of a whole different life. 
7. Yesterday also marked my fathers last Liturgy as acting Rector of the parish in Asheville that he has lead for the past 10 years.  We all piled into the car at 7 am (really 6 because of daylight savings) and drove to Asheville for the service.  Again, another long car trip and about 1 hour into the service I started having braxton hicks contractions.  Then they started coming every few minutes. I did not have my phone to time but guess it was about every three minutes.  Why was this happening? I have gotten braxton hicks contractions with each pregnancy, they have started a month earlier each time, but when they come every few minutes, as much as I don't want to and don't want to admit it, I freak out, more so than I did before loosing Jacob.  Thoughts of will this baby come early and be in the NICU? Will I go into labor and be without my midwife? Will something happen to this baby too? Calm down, calm down, calm down...just relax Nora I try to remind myself.  I hate the fear.  I decided to go to a back room at the church and rest, try to let this pass. 
8. Met baby born on the same day as Jacob...yes that is what I said...I went to the back room to try to rest in a comfortable chair, maybe the contractions would pass, they HAD to.  They have a  makeshift hospitality room with a day bed, chair and bathroom, toys strewn about the floor for kids that needed a break from church.  In there I met a mom that had a little boy. He had a cute fat belly that I would have loved, you know the baby fat you just want to kiss it's so cute.  She was a kind mom, young, and introduced herself to me.  I asked her how old he was and she said he was born on St. Patricks Day.  The words lingered in the air as I wondered if I had heard her right.  I said, "on March 17th? Really?"  She said "Yes, I'm so sorry for your loss."  I knew she was sincere and knew that I had lost Jacob that same day even though we had never met.  Since that time yesterday I've been in a bit of a haze.  I didn't feel the need to burst out into tears, nor did I get angry or upset, it's just been a slow realization, thought that has lingered, "Jacob would have been almost a year old...he probably would not have had a belly that big to kiss on, what would he look like now, how did I just meet a mom that had a baby that same day and her baby boy is here and Jacob should be too."  If I had had a mirror I suppose I had a deer in headlights look for the rest of the day.  Those things are hard, and that is something I was never prepared for, meeting another boy born the same day as Jacob just two hours earlier, I mean what are the chances? The contractions finally stopped after many many cups of water, just in time to pile back into the car for the two and a half hour ride home which was agony, contractions came back from time to time, now where to lay down or stretch out.  No where to go and cry.  We made it home just a little after 5.  I went straight to our bed to lay down, ate chinese food, in bed and with Dan's help got to bed early after he bathed the kids. Too much, just too much had happened in just this first week of March and I was beat, just wanted to crawl back into a hole where I could be alone, try to process all that had happened. 

Anyway, that has been the fist 10 days of this month.  Makes me wonder what the rest of the month will be like. 

 

March 6th, 1 day before my 34th birthday, finally getting some dirt/sand from Jacob's grave to have at home with us.  I like the ray of light in this picture, there are a few more of me collecting the dirt but only this one had that ray of light. 

Apparently Adam and I are always smiling, well, not sure what Adam is doing but, poor Allie and Dan...this is why we pay photographers to try to take pictures of us, no one is ever all looking at the camera at the same time.  Still a family picture we didn't have before this past week. 



My Birthday Dinner....34 years, baby number 4 on the way...a nice midweek break for what was a week of unexpected milestones.