So, today was another anniversary of sorts but not necessarily a bad one. As Orthodox we go by the old calendar and therefor our Easter generally falls on a different day than the one that most everyone else is familiar with, hence we are still in Lent. Jacob died on a Saturday evening but the next day happened to be the third Sunday of Lent last year, as today was for us, and on the third Sunday we commemorate the Cross. "The cross stands in the midst of the church in the middle of the lenten season not merely to remind men of Christ’s redemption and to keep before them the goal of their efforts, but also to be venerated as that reality by which man must live to be saved. “He who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” (Mt.10:38). For in the Cross of Christ Crucified lies both “the power of God and the wisdom of God” for those being saved (1 Cor.1:24)." www.oca.org
I remember the time that I realized what had been commemorated at church that Sunday we were not there and hearing it was the Cross and thinking, "Well that is fitting". Seeing as how I'd never been given a bigger cross to bear it seemed fitting Jacob came hours before this particular day at our church. We were not there last year but we were there today and I was glad to be there. The 30 seconds of the sermon I was able to hear since Allie had her eye on a piece of bread in the hall, was something that our priest, Fr. Christopher said. I can't quote exactly but it went something like, Beware of the reward without the cross, or something to that effect. Which to me means that all the greatest gifts in life, they generally come by way of sacrifice and hard work, in other words a cross of some sort. Now a hard day at "work" for any of us, mom's especially, is one thing and very much a daily cross and some days are crazy challenging, but the cross of losing one's child and having to live for the others you may have, or that we were blessed to have, and STILL live through the crazy mom days is a far harder thing than I had ever known. I guess looking back, I always thought that we got to somewhat control the crosses we bore or chose to bear but it seems to me now that the biggest crosses I have faced in my life have been the ones that I had no control over but that I had to carry. To face your worst nightmare and have to walk into it I think is a huge cross and it makes it all the more meaningful when you go forward without even the strength to do it. That is where I found God, and that was about all I found. Even in the dark somehow I knew He was there, but in all honesty it was dark and for a long time. Sometimes still, the cross of losing Jacob, not having him here and having to keep going on without him, feels like something I can't do and I fall down A LOT trying to do it. It filters into so many aspects of our daily life I could never have been prepared for, but maybe that is what life is supposed to be? Having to constantly face what we can and can't do and what we can do if we ask for help from the One that really can help us. I think I'm rambling because I hate to get all preachy and hope this is not coming off as such but I just have so much respect for others now that are taking up their crosses that have been placed in front of them. I don't think the feeling of not wanting to bear one's cross is a bad thing or detracts from the dignity of carrying it, whether you have a good day of carrying or a bad day and have to put it down to rest, regroup and try again, you are still taking up your cross and trying and THAT I think is the beauty, the work and the veneration of the Cross. It's not meant to be carried with perfection but with struggle and faith. I don't get through every day with strength, I can probably count how many days I've felt strong since Jacob died on one hand, maybe two, but it's not about that I think. It's just about moving forward at whatever pace I can. My cross will always be there, whether I want it to be or not, but I have noticed that when I give myself a break and try to pace myself instead of running full speed I generally do better for longer. It is hard to not run full speed to this delivery date for this baby, I am so overwhelmed with trying to organize, clean everything in my path, all those little crosses are starting to weigh me down. It's been a long year of just survival and now I feel like I really need to get my super mom cape back on and be ready for this new baby, try to make everything "perfect" for her and for us, but really what is that? What is perfect? Maybe just having her healthy and breathing in my arms is the only perfection I should be worried about? I have no idea. Life goes on and I know I have to face adult things like cleaning and entertaining the kids but maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe the best thing I can do for me, my family and this baby girl is to just relax and to trust God, take one day, one task at a time and just go slow. Super mom probably does not exist but I sure do keep trying to be "her".
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