Jacob's Story ~ Chapter 11 ~ Moving Forward

Jacob's Story ~ Moving Forward...

It's April 23rd, 2013 and I sit here exhausted, kids in the other room playing with play dough that our good friend Ana helped them make while she graciously took them to her house to play one of the many mornings over the last 9 months, and I am trying to keep my head on straight.  There are many things that I've been trying to do since we've found out we were expecting our fourth baby.  Most all of them distractions but as we approach her due date of May 18th/19th things are starting to somehow become more real.  I think I'm starting to accept that she actually might get to join our family, make memories with us and just simply be here.  I am swimming in a thousand emotions from day to day.  I have tried to do many things to celebrate her life, the life she has right now that God HAS given to us, for however long we may have her, be blessed to have her.  Such as the maternity pictures I had taken recently that no one knew about, not even Dan.  I just wanted to do this for her and I to look back on and I  knew that whatever pictures Stacey took would be appreciated not just by me but by Dan and the kids too. I wanted to have another picture of me pregnant.  One more than the one that I have hanging in our room with Jacob in my belly.  It is one I cherish but it also holds so many emotions and other memories; I think for me I  needed something else to look back on and remember a hopefully joyful time that ends with a new addition to our family here on Earth. I value the ones we had with Jacob more than I could have ever anticipated. I don't ever want this baby to feel like a replacement; or that she's only here because Jacob is not.  As far as God's plan goes, this "plan" everyone seems so comfortable talking about because they've never been faced with the total despair of the "plan" being so far off course of what they ever expected or wanted to face; this "plan" I don't think was laid out by God.  He didn't take Jacob out of any hostility or punishment. Did He know that this would happen to us, Yes, I'm sure of that. Did He ordain it, not so sure.  Did he know this little girl would join our family, Yes.  Does He know what will happen to her in the future, Yes. If something bad happens though, I don't believe it's in His "plan" but simply part of this world that He knows is sometimes painful, very painful, and helps us make it through until we can be with Him where things are perfect and bad things don't happen.  

As I sit her typing I know about 4 babies that are very sick and I know now just how precious it is to have a healthy child in the other room, playing, being loud, content for the most part on their own.  You can never value this as much as you can after you are the one who's child is in peril or worse, gone from this life.  

So, in an effort to keep my mind sane, I have tried to make it through this pregnancy, this path out of the darkness I found myself thrust into over a year ago, by taking literally each day/minute at a time and just focusing on the end, the delivery, the labor, the moment she is in my arms, hopefully crying loud and clear and I can see and finally touch her with my own eyes and hands.  At my last OB appointment the midwife and I commented how it would be so nice if God had put a little window into a woman's belly so we could see the baby while we are pregnant, but the midwife commented that God could have if He wanted to, and He didn't.  So until she is out of me, I don't get to see her and just have to have faith and pray that that moment will come and it will be the opposite of the last moment I experienced bringing a new life into this world.  

Things I have done to make it through this pregnancy:

1. Dan and I went to and completed a support group through Heartstrings, a non-profit organization that helps families through infant loss.  We went last summer and wanted to complete that before we started trying to get pregnant again.  I made friends in that group that I still talk to.  One who has since had a baby who I'm thrilled for and another that actually moved very close to us.  I don't get to see them very often, but going to that support group, although something I never thought I would want to do, was actually very good.  To just be in a room of people that just get where you have been, what you have been through, and are not nervous when you bring your baby up, it is so important I think and helped me find my footing a bit when I had been so lost right after Jacob died.  
2. Dan and I went on a short 4 day vacation without the kids to try to just have some time together.  I didn't know if we'd make it till that vacation but knew we needed to get away.  We went to Charleston, SC and enjoyed it immensely.  Although, with it only being 4 months after Jacob died, I still felt so out of place, not comfortable in my own skin, this new person who had lost a baby.  They had a wine and cheese reception every night at the lovely hotel we stayed at and Dan would sneak out and grab some wine and cheese and sneak it back to the room to avoid getting into any conversations with strangers who had no idea what we'd just been through. I was still fragile as could be and could have cried at any given moment but we made it without any awkward conversations and enjoyed each others company in peace and quiet, something that is not a daily part of our life anymore:) 
3. We chose to wait till we were 8 weeks pregnant to tell anyone, although some of my friends say they knew right away:) They did not pressure me to divulge this news, they have been supportive the entire time in whatever way I've needed and sometimes it has been in silence, and I'm sure many prayers.  
4. As I started to get sick, "morning sickness" as they call it, and as I have with my other pregnancies, although I swear it was worse this time...girls do that to me:), a friend dropped off a bag of stuff for me with little post it notes on each gift. Enclosed was a bottle of wine "for whenever", a box of tissues "for when I needed to cry", a little stuffed dog who we've named "puppy love" that you can warm in the microwave and put on aching muscles (this was picked out by my friends daughter and the kids and I both love the puppy), and the complete collection of Sex and the City DVD's "for when I needed a distraction", which I basically needed weeks 8-17 of the pregnancy!  I remember watching that show back in college, when everything seemed so much simpler and in a way, it felt like a little time capsule and I could still laugh at the parts I'd laughed at years ago.  It was a gift that was well thought out, so considerate, and the relief it provided lasted far longer than I'm sure it took for her to think of what she wanted to put in that bag.  A perfect gift.  And a bottle of wine I'm waiting to drink (well sip) in hopeful celebration soon enough. 
5. We got 3D ultrasounds done at two times in the pregnancy. First at 16 weeks to determine if Adam and Allie would have a sister or brother and then again as a result of a mini breakdown/freak out I had about if the baby was okay at 33 weeks I think, maybe 34; the last month is a blur as are most of the last 9 months.  To my great relief everything looked fine.
6. I've seen two practitioners:  Amy, our beloved midwife who has been there for all of our babies births and also Dr. Susan and her staff who, except for one, were also there at Jacob's birth.  They have been reassuring the entire time and I know they want a happy baby for me as much as I want that for myself.  Amy does a home visit as you get close to the end of the pregnancy.  This happened for us last week. Since then I think it's really hitting me that the time for patience is ending and the time to prepare is actually finally here.  It's really going to happen and we're finally down to less than a month of having to wait till the real end of this.  Between her visit and my last OB appointment at the birth center, the reality of what is about to happen is freaking me out as much as it's relieving me.  
7. I let the ladies at church throw a shower for me, well the baby and me.  I think it's silly to have a baby shower after you've had a baby, especially if you've had a boy and a girl already, but in a weird way it was another opportunity to celebrate a new life, one that will join our church and as I have still yet to empty Jacob's dresser of all his newborn clothes.  With this shower I just hoped I would come home with even just a few things to put right in the dresser as I take Jacob's stuff out.  I know this will be something I'll do in the coming weeks, I have no more time to wait, but I actually came away with far more than I ever expected and so am wondering if it will all even fit. Those ladies are so special and it was a great gift as some of you may have seen from the pictures I posted  on the blog earlier this month.  
8. I FINALLY designated and decorated the kids rooms. Now, there is a clear and decorated space for Allie and her sister and also Adam has his own room to grow in.  I still have things I need to tweak but for the most part they are way more put together than they ever have been. The last time I had a child's room that organized was when Adam was born in our other house, I wish I'd gotten pictures of what it looked like finished, it was so precious and sweet but alas there is only a picture of me in one of Dan's tank tops, one I probably stretched out, WAY pregnant, stuck inside a partially constructed crib with a confused look on my face, hair in a sloppy bun and looking like I was minutes away from giving birth.   I won't post that picture, but it is funny:) 
9. We have a photographer coming to take pictures of her birth. I am probably most excited about this and most nervous. Her name is Lora and she is coming from Charlotte.  She is AMAZING, and I hope, for my sanity, this baby comes at a nice steady pace so that she can get here in time.  I am so looking forward to having pictures of what it is like to have a baby at home, in our home and with the kids too.  I can never express, especially to those that are so happy with their hospital experiences, what a gift it has been for us as a family and Dan and me to be able to have our children, all but one, at home and under Amy's care and expertise.  It is such an amazing experience I simply can not put it into words. I hope to after this baby girl comes in a future chapter and think the pictures will say more than I could ever articulate.  I have two back up photographers too that are close by, just in case she decides to come fast.  
10. I have had prenatal massages for the last 5 months probably and from a wonderful massage therapist, Tracy at Hand and Stone.  I do not know what I would have done without these or her specifically.  I have never liked anyone as much as her and was so happy to find her for this time, this pregnancy.  They have been moments, well hours, of peace and total relaxation which is so rare.  We don't really have the money for this but we've made it work and it was worth more than what I've paid to have them.  This has helped to keep me calm and to give me milestones throughout the pregnancy in order to make it just two more weeks, two more weeks.  
11. We have eaten far too many pizzas as I've not been in a cooking mood for a long time.  I pray this comes back after she is born, I used to love to cook and think once I have a healthy baby to focus on finally, I can focus on me being a healthy mom again...for a living, breathing reason now.  
12. Friends have stepped in and given us time out together, Dan and me, and for that we are so grateful.  This is a rare thing to have a night out and we know that but it has helped us maintain our sanity in some ways and is a true gift when someone agrees or asks to tackle your children for any amount of time! 
13. We enrolled Adam and Allie in preschool. We were not going to send Allie but when the Fall began and I was still so overwhelmed, we put her in for one day a week as well as Adam's 3 days.  They have been lifesavers.  Now that I'm at the end and it's truly hard to do anything, as a gift from my parents who have finally found different ways to be supportive, we have been able to put them both in for all five days of the week. Mornings only, but those few hours, they are with people that can bend over and do crafts and play with them, people that love them, and I can rest a little before life gets even crazier.  The teachers there, each one, is a blessing from God and the fact that the kids never ever cry for Dan or me when we leave them each morning is an even bigger blessing.  
14. I have gone to a support group for subsequent pregnancy, also through Heartstrings, and although it's mostly just been me and one other mama, it's been a blessing to again be around two other people (leader included) who have been/are in my shoes and I can talk freely with them.  As of tomorrow though, when the other mom is scheduled to be induced, I'll be the only one still pregnant and must walk this last part alone, but I think I'm ready.  
15. I've also taken the opportunity to talk to a counselor through Hospice.  She has been so helpful and such a joy to know.  She's made me feel normal again and had so many nice insights that I think I've been ready for. Hospice offers 13 free counseling sessions to anyone that has experienced a loss and I am just so grateful that with the kids in preschool I have been able to take advantage of this generous offer by generous caring people so that I can be the best mom for this new baby.  It's given me time to heal and although I know this wound will never be completely healed I do feel like I'm really actually at a place where I can see myself moving forward again.  That is big.  

I am sure there are things I have forgotten.  We've visited Jacob several times, helped another family through a loss, Dan's business continues to grow by the grace of God and I am always reassured that this is something our family can do to help others who find themselves going through a difficult time themselves.  Adam and Allie have grown a year older. We have visited the nurse, Danielle, who was there holding me up the night that Jacob died. I have made friends, new friends and strengthened friendships that were not as significant to me before Jacob died but have become the very friendships that have kept me breathing when I've needed them, and I've needed them a lot.  They have all made me a better person and I hope a better, more caring friend.  

So here I am, waiting, praying, waiting and praying for the days to keep passing, the baby to keep moving, Making little goals along the last stretch of this long, seemingly endless road.  I hope this is the beginning of a new story in our lives. Jacob will always be there, his story will never go away but I know it's time to give focus to the life that we have in our hands now. Jacob is and forever will be in God's hands until we are there as well, but for now, we have this little gift inside of me waiting to come out and for that I am very very  happy.

If you have experienced a loss or know someone that has, here are the links to the services I have used and found to be so helpful.  They are non profit so work through donations and really truly give back to everyone around them.  

www.heartstringssupport.org

The Hospice that I have used for counseling is here in Winston Salem:

http://hospicecarecenter.org/

The most amazing photographer who took the maternity pictures of me with Jacob and this little sweet girl is Stacey Lynn and her website is:

www.staceylynnstudio.com

I look forward to sharing more pictures when I get them:) 

Thanks for a great memory, again Stacey!