Elena's Story ~ New Chapter For A New Life

Elena's Story



April 11, 2013

Waiting for Elena

Picture by Stacey
www.staceylynnstudio.com

So here I am writing again and it's so different this time.  For 14 months, actually no, for 23 months this story of Elena has been forming.  23 months ago we learned we were pregnant with our Jacob.  9 months of pregnancy, uncomfortable pregnancy, something like 9 hours of labor and then before we ever got to say hello, look at each other, he was gone before we knew it.  So many things we anticipated that we were robbed of...first look, first cry, first poop, first time nursing, first nap, all of it gone. Then started 5 months of intense grieving, sadness and pain...adjusting to, or trying to adjust to, this reality we were not prepared for and I didn't want to be a part of.  This life, that had become my life.  I can't count how many people, glancing from the outside said, "you are so strong".  I felt the opposite. So broken, and I've written about it in all these previous chapters.  I know many have read these many many pages and have cried many tears as I have. I have had many sweet moments with many of you who are reading this and I have also felt so guilty for the lack of life I've been capable of giving to most of my friendships.  Quite honestly I checked out of life in many ways; I can see that now more looking back. 

When Dan and I decided to try again for another child, I was nervous, scared, didn't think I could do it.  Knowing that once you are pregnant there is no turning back was terrifying and also probably life saving.  I knew once I jumped on the pregnancy train I would be forced to ride it till the end, for another 9 months, another 8 weeks or so of nausea, being pregnant still with two children under the age of four, the sleepless nights, another labor, but something new I had never experienced; the worry. The thought that this could again happen, it did once before, we lost a baby, we REALLY lost a baby.  How would I make it through another 9 months of the same discomfort AND with the added anxiety of having to wait 9 months to hear a baby's cry??? I had no idea how I would do it but I did it.

We got pregnant first try despite my strange and probably irrational fear we never would again.  Dan and I, and the kids, survived the 8 weeks I was too nauseous to be a normal wife and mother, many pizzas, quiet days, virtually no play dates.  Then onto the middle part of the pregnancy...two ultrasounds showing, number one that she was a girl and number two that she was as healthy as could be.  Then the last part, the last 12 weeks or so of nerves, again virtually no cooking, me spacing out more often than I wanted to, unable to physically do more and more things, and the building anxiety; would she live? Would she breath? Would I live? Would I make it through labor? When would I go into labor? What would we do with the kids? What if something is wrong? What if she is breech too? What if she comes early? What if she dies? What if something happens to me in labor? What if anything and everything goes wrong? Am I crazy for having her at home? Will I have her at home?....and on and on.  I tried hard to keep it mostly in my head but sometimes the worry would spill out to Dan and he would reassure me all would be just fine.  Hesitantly, and with a forced smile, I would nod my head in agreement but in my mind, I always thought, "but what if it's not fine?"  I was terrified and that is an understatement.  I did a great job of keeping my anxiety under wraps. Most of those that were around me would probably have told you I was doing great, seemed calm and unafraid but now looking back I know just how terrified I was. 

What I didn't realize before Elena was born was how much I had detached from my life after losing Jacob.  The shock that immediately followed his death somehow turned into a numbness that I was even unaware of. I knew I had trouble being around people but it really became part of my life post Jacob.  It was like as soon as I realized he was dead, I pushed a stop or pause button, the color drained from everything around me.  Looking back there were always flecks of light that would reach me via something Adam or Allie would do, a thoughtful gift from a friend, kind words from Dan, but for the most part I stopped living and just went into survival mode.  Like when your computer goes into "safe" mode and everything is weird looking and plain.  That was me. 

On May 5th, our Easter Sunday, at 3:48 AM after two hours of what I'd call real labor, the painful labor, our Elena came out and joined us in this world.  She let out two big cries and then settled down quietly into my arms.  She was born at home with Dan by my side, our Midwives and photographer Lora while the kids slept soundly in their bedrooms unaware of what was happening.  I thought so often before Elena came about THAT moment, what it would be like, when she was in my arms, if she was in my arms, crying. I assumed I would be crying too, with pure relief and out of emotion of what had happened at that very moment in labor last time with Jacob and how awful it was.  How would that moment be?  What happened was not what I was expecting and thanks to the photographer Lora, I can see, anytime I want, exactly what I was feeling at that very moment.  Pure happiness.  There were few tears but only tears of joy and life, real life, vivid life....life I'd not felt since I'd been in labor anticipating joy with Jacob.  I realized how long it had been since I'd felt pure happiness and I'd missed it.  My "Safe" mode was done, everything was in color again and I could finally breath, really breath.  Not just to survive, but to live. 

I had four songs on my labor play list...I learned that me and iTunes don't work well together, so four is what I had. I refused to subject those in the bathroom with me to four repeated songs over two hours so just put Pandora on.  One of the songs on my play list though was A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, yes from Twilight.  But I love that song and as soon as Elena came out, it was the next song that played from Pandora.  The photographer, also a fan of Twilight, noticed that the song was on as did I and listening to the words now, in retrospect, it's honestly perfect and fits so well.  She put together this video below and honestly it is exactly what I'd hoped for and so much more.  I have debated over sharing it but really want to for several reasons.  One, I think it shows what a home birth can be like and I love to share that as it's so hard to describe to people.  Two, so many of you reading have followed our story since losing Jacob.  You have prayed for us and supported us and so I want to show you how happy we are, for a change. I know I've made many of you cry in reading this blog, but I just wanted to be honest and it was honestly sad and hard.  So here, below is the fruit of your prayers for us and for this baby.  They HAVE made a difference and I can sit here now, typing, with Elena in the bassinet next to me sleeping, the way it should be. 

All the anticipation over what would or could happen when Elena was born finally came to pass and as soon as she came out, all the worry, fear and anxiety disappeared with her first cry.  It left an empty space in my head, in a good way. For the first time in a very long time there was no worry, no fear, no anxiety...just peace.  I had done it. What I thought I could not do. What I could not imagine doing in the hours after Jacob died. In the face of fear and doubt, we'd gotten pregnant with another child and Dan and I lived through another pregnancy and finally we made it to the moment we'd been waiting for, for what seemed like an eternity.  The fear was conquered, I had Elena in my arms, Dan by my side, in the kids bathtub in our home...the way it should have been last time, but this time, it was perfect in so many ways and ways we could have never planned.  This was God's plan, His gift to us I believe and as much as I thought we were entitled to a new baby, I know life is not about what we want all of the time. But this time, for us, we got what we had wanted so desperately. 

Having now spent two weeks with this new precious baby, it's finally sinking in that she is here to stay. I watch her do everything we would have given anything to see Jacob do, open her eyes, hold our fingers, stretch, poop, nurse...all of it, all gifts, all things I cherish so much more now.  What a gift life is and how a new life can breath life into a shattered heart is God's love.  I would not have made it this far without my faith and know we will see Jacob one day.  I also feel like it's okay to finally be happy for a change.  It's new, and different to feel this happiness, especially after such a long time of feeling so numb, but  I like it and am so grateful that God saw fit to heal us more completely through our sweet Elena.  She is not a replacement but a true gift to our family as all our children have been in their own ways. 

I hope you will continue to pray for us. I may keep this blog up for a while but in so many ways I feel that Jacob's story has been told.  He is and will forever be interwoven into our families life and that of the kids.  We will always have him in our hearts here with us but I know it's also okay to continue to live and it's okay to move forward. I have to figure out how to manage life with three little ones here and one in Heaven but now, having conquered my biggest fear, I know that God will help me find a way to live again and serve my family as a more healed wife and mother.  I am so grateful to have a happy story to tell and thank you all for sharing this journey with me. 

Love,

Nora, Elena & my sweet baby Jacob+

Lora, thank you for giving me and our family the most amazing gift.  Our family will cherish these pictures forever! The best money I've ever spent on anything:)

www.loradentonphotography.com