Riding Tidle Waves

So, out of the blue, unexpectedly this is a hard day.  Not sure why, not sure if it's been building over time.  It just is.  Grief is such a strange and unpleasant thing sometimes. When your baby dies nothing is "normal" for a long time and you wonder if things will ever be "normal" again.  What is normal anyway?  But, over time I managed to find a new normal...all mothers who have lost know what I mean by this and I'm sure those who have not still can understand what I mean.  There is before Jacob died and after Jacob died. Some of the things that were "normal" before he died are still part of our lives now but they are just a little different.  I've been doing great I think.  Moving forward, started a business, hired some help around the house as this is almost necessary with three little kids and my sanity is worth the cleaning lady, Mrs. Barbie, once every two weeks, trying to focus on each day and not look too much into the future, coming to accept that this is just the way it is and there is no need nor benefit to dwelling on what happened because there is simply nothing that can change it.  I am no good to anyone when I'm looking backwards, not even myself.  I did that and I grieved.  I let myself be sad for what, to me, seemed like a long time.  So why today, why such a hard day?  I'm not crying in a corner...it's just this overwhelming feeling that I'm just keeping my head above water, barely.  Grief is like riding a tidal wave in so many ways.  It builds so slowly over time that I don't even realize what is building beneath me and eventually grows into something out of my control and then I'm here...stuck...riding this crazy wave out that I don't want to be on, never wanted to be on, was afraid of, am afraid of, and can't get off of.  I know the crazy wave will pass but being ON the wave is SOOO not my favorite thing.  I feel out of control, can't think straight, can't focus, it's hard to be "here" with the kids. I'm not thinking of Jacob and going woe is me, I am just different than I was before.  Sometimes I think I'm trying to prove to myself that I am OKAY still.  The fear of not surviving his death is still there I just try to not give it any credit or time.  But when on this wave that comes every now and then, it's hard to not go there and just be off for a day or three.  I so wish that this was not a part of it but it is.  I say all of this not to get sympathy, I hate that, but to be real in that this IS what it's like for me.  And to share, I think, is strength. It's being vulnerable and showing my weaknesses and I find strength in that.  In being real with myself and others about how life is after loosing your baby.  It may not be this way for everyone, but it is the reality for me.  Most days when I look fine I actually AM.  But today, this day, it's just a rough day.  And one final note....the only thing that has gotten me this far is God and the love he has shown to me through friends like you who are reading this, the love of my children and the love of my husband who is incredibly patient and understanding; I'm not sure why he's so good at being patient as I am horrible at it, but he is, and the strength of our marriage is, in many ways, credited to his love and patience.  Tomorrow will be a better day, and if not then the next one will be. Now I'm going to go love on little, big, Elena which is what I'm sure Jacob would want.