The answer to "Isn't this so hard for you?!"

The one resounding thing I've received, feedback wise, from friends and family in regards to writing these chapters is that people seem to think that it must be so hard for me to write all of it, excruciating, devastating  emotional, etc.  So I wanted to have the chance to clarify what it actually has been like.

In actuality it has been a relief in the truest sense of the word.  I feel like I have had to bottle this all up for almost a year just to make others more comfortable around me and not run away from me in fear.  After Jacob died I could sense the unease in people around me, that they did not know what to say, or they said nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing...would change the subject as soon as I brought it up myself therefore leaving me no other choice than to either have a outburst saying "Why won't you let me talk about my baby!" or the choice I always took,  just letting the conversation wander away into something more "comfortable" and "normal" for everyone else.  That and the flip side of people that are overly concerned and treat me like a fragile egg that will shatter into a million pieces at any moment.  That is just as hard for me to deal with at times because I feel with some I'm constantly saying, "yes, I'm fine right now" and the truth is that I am fine a lot of the time.  There seem to be so many "expectations" from others about how I should be feeling just by how they conduct themselves around me.  Sometimes with the ones that are overly sympathetic, I want to go run and look in the mirror to see if I forgot to wash my face or something and last night's mascara is sliding down my face as if I've been crying all night.  Do I look that bad?  With others, that don't bring it up at all, or change the subject immediately even when I bring it up, I wonder if they are thinking in their heads..."please don't bring your dead baby up, please, please, please because I don't know what to say".  It is completely understandable that people are uneasy, but so very isolating, and I already felt pretty isolated as the only mom I knew at the time that this had ever happened to.  I just wanted to talk about him with people that could just listen to where I was at on any given day and with people that didn't feel the urge to insert their own interpretation of why this happened or told me how hard it was for them, or tried to make me look at the "bright side". Honestly, in this, the first year since Jacob died, there has not been much "bright side".  I think and believe that that truly just comes over time and lots of it.  For some reason though it is very uncomfortable for people to let something just be what it is and that is that things in life are just plain  hard sometimes.  Jacob dying unexpectedly was hard and sad and bad in many ways.  Not everything has to be cheery or "fixed", not everything can be fixed.  I never expected anyone to "fix" what happened to us so for others who chose to only express their sadness that they could not "fix it" and then did nothing else, well why say that? Why chose to say the one thing that you know you could never do, fix it?  So you can feel better?  So you can try to make me feel better? It does not work because it's an offer that I know is impossible.  I think people are uncomfortable with what we, Dan and I, have to face day to day because for many they have never faced something like loosing a child the way we did.  I wish people would focus more on what they can do.  Call and leave an encouraging message, send a card, an email, just say they are thinking of us and praying for us.  All of that was the most comforting and by far the most helpful.  Wishing has never gotten me very far and others wishing they could fix this is not a true action.  The above that wonderful friends did were all actions, calling, dropping food off, an encouraging text message, praying, all very seemingly simple things but THOSE things made the biggest difference and still do to this day.

Having just recently found out that our very dear friends three month old daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia last week and that they are looking at two years of rather intense treatment many friends of ours were still concerned about letting us know.  It is hard knowing that, and accepting that most people are still uncomfortable and not sure of what is and is not okay to say around us.  I vividly remember realizing the night Jacob died that people would probably start to treat me as "that woman who's baby died" and it was  a painful thought.  That everyone around me would forever act differently towards me and Jacob's death would always act as this big elephant in the room. In their shoes, I'm sure I would have been the same way before this happened to me.  I am not disappointed really, just sad that this is the way it is.  If anything, we feel like we can kind of see what they, our friends, are going through.  It's not the same, but the shock of your whole world flipping upside down in an instant, that I'm sure is very similar for anyone that has experienced it, either in loosing a child or hearing your child is very very sick.  All these friends helped support us when we lost Jacob, so now I just look at it as we get to finally repay some of the kindness that was bestowed upon us.  It was our time to need help then and now it's their turn and we are happy to help and hope we can help in a more meaningful way than we would have been able to before Jacob died.

The truth is that I love to hear his name. When others are comfortable talking about him it allows me to be comfortable talking about him and lets me be "myself" now; who I am now.  In doing these chapters I have felt like I can finally say everything that I've had to keep zipped up over the last year just to avoid more uncomfortable conversations than we already experience.  And being able to say it without seeing peoples responses is a blessing too. I know that everyone just will not be comfortable with me talking about this in person and I accept that.  I think people tend to think of how they would handle our situation if they were ever in it and maybe many think they would always be a mess and therefore expect me to always be a mess.  But now that it has happened to me, I just have good days and bad days like everyone else.  It's just that my bad days are always underscored by the added loss of Jacob.  It has taken time to figure out how to navigate life since Jacob died, especially when bad days come and it's something I think I'll be figuring out forever.  It does not take much to make a normal bad day as a parent that much worse or to have a small pity party if it is a hard day, an anniversary, a holiday or just a Saturday at 10:02.  As much as I have contemplated how this happened to us, I have accepted that it did and it's okay to have bad days and get emotional, because the bad days always pass too.

This blog has given me a way to remember Jacob, remember his story, our story, that he really existed and share it with others in a "safe" way.  Nothing is as hard as that week was right after he died. Nothing.  Writing about it and reading it together with Dan reminds us that it did happen, it was not all a dream (even though it feels like that to us sometimes) and how hard it was at the time.  We can honor that, but remembering it and talking about it does not bring us back into that horrible week.  Luckily, we only had to live through that week once in real life and now we can just remember it.  The sting is gone and that is the blessing of time.

I hope if there are other moms reading this who have lived through a similar experience you will feel free to comment on the things that were the most helpful for you if you are comfortable sharing.  I think it helps others who have not been through this to have a better idea of how to help friends who may go through it.