Having sent from on high, O King of all, and taken the blessed infant, like a pure bird unto the heavenly nest, O Master, Thou has saved this soul from snares of many forms, and has united it with the souls of the Righteous who are enjoying the delights of Thy Kingdom. ~ From Jacob's memorial service

Purpose of my blog...

And so here I am...10 months post my son Jacob's unexpected death and writing a blog. I am not sure what I think about this but I do know that as everyone lovingly, yet haphazardly, always asks how I am doing this is the only way to sincerely and honestly let everyone know without spewing it all out each time. In person, I usually say the standard and most comfortable for others "I'm fine...how are you?" but here I can truly be honest. This is all very personal but I have found that an event such as the death of a child is still such a taboo in this society that people have lieterally no idea what this experience is like or how to react, help, or handle it when it happens to a freind, loved one, or even themselves. Selfishly, this blog is also a way for me to find my way through the fog of this year and try to figure out where I am. I have hesitated writing this as I don't want to be thought of as self-indulgent or a total bitter woman but I pray that in sharing, for someone, it will make it easier to understand how this experience has affected and continues to affect me and our family and maybe help someone out there to be a little more compassionate and kind to someone that they know that finds themself going through the same thing. So, for those of you that are still reading to this point and really want to know...well, here it all is...

Sunday, February 17, 2013

11 months and counting...

So, this very moment 11 months ago I was lying on a table looking at Jacobs little fist, waiting, waiting.   This day was not hard but I fear that next month will be; this hour of time that passed almost a year ago.  It's easier now but still surreal.  Did it really happen?  I look at the little white memory box we left the hospital with, the only thing we left the hospital with besides the blankets Jacob had been wrapped up in for hours and an array of medical pads to get me through the next few days post labor.
 
It did happen. 
He's not here...
my 11 month old
my sweet Jacob. 
 
But I get to feel his sister kick and that should be a great and amazing thing.  Another moment of joy and  sadness all twisted together, gratitude and agony, faith in a brighter tomorrow and devastation at the little boy that is missing.  I want to be all cheerful, happy, grateful for what I do have, present THAT to everyone, but it's just not real all the time and for this moment it is more sad than happy.  Moments pass though and enough moments get you to today, 11 months later.  Sometimes it feels like each breath, every moment, has been a fight and other times it's been a big blur of time passing with no real achievements, nothing to show for it, other than two somehow well adjusted kids that seem to be floursihing despite my internal and sometimes external floundering.  But I am still here, so that is an achievement, and as I got through the last 330 some odd days I'll get through the next 30 and then the thousands after that hopefully.  But now, for this minute, I just miss him. 
 
11 more minutes or so before they called his time of death.  Seems like a good place to stop for the night. 
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