Saying Goodbye to Silas John

How does one even begin to describe saying goodbye to your Godson?  Adams face below says it all.  This was our sweet Silas John Hays.  He fell asleep in the Lord on Thursday September 4th after a long and brave fight with cancer.  I share the next part because it renews my belief and faith that we are never alone and especially not at the time of our death and I hope it gives everyone reading this the same faith.  

Silas, in the arms of his mother, with his Grammy there looked up and reached out  his arms to what he saw as his mother told him it was "okay to go".   "Mommy will be okay and Grammy will be okay."  And in peace, Silas left this broken world for one with the angels where there is no pain and no suffering.  He was not alone and he was not afraid.  I believe even more fervently now that Jacob was not alone either even though we did not get to see the angels that came to be with him at the time of his death.  I will be forever grateful to Silas for this.  There is so much we can't see.  

As I sit and type this Adam is playing church from the top of the stairs singing, "Christ is Risen from the dead, trampling down death by death..."  He is right. But for now, I am sad.  My heart is broken again.  There is a space left that can't be filled.  Our dear friends, who I thought would be spared from such a loss, just simply by knowing us and law of averages, they have lost their son too.  Noah has lost his brother and Adam, Allie and Elena have lost a God brother as well as a brother.  In a sweet monastery cemetery, four hours from here, lay four children we know in a row.  Micah & Isiah, our sweet Jacob and Silas now behind him.  How bittersweet.  

We sang the "Last Kiss" again and as I waited in a long line of friends and family to give Silas his last kiss, as he lay in another coffin Dan had to build,  that Dan was honored to build but never wanted to for any child, much less our Godson, I saw Silas' baptismal cross around his neck.  The one we gave him at his baptism.  How different things were those few short years ago before any of our sweet babies lay in a cemetery.  I long for the day we are all reunited, but until then this world is missing a sweet sweet boy who has, in his short life, touched so many lives and will be remembered and dearly missed by so many of us for many many years to come.  May Silas John's memory be eternal.  

                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                    

Bottom left, Isiah & Micah Weesner, followed by the white cross which is Jacob's with Silas directly behind him.  

Two years and a dream...

Yesterday does not only mark what would have been Jacob's second birthday but it marks the beginning of a dream that I've had for almost the entire time he's been gone.  I actually held off on it as I just wanted to believe that we would not know any other babies that died.  This was unrealistic but it's how I felt and a mother always hopes and prays for the best, even a miracle.  Sadly, Dan recently was asked to make a small coffin for a little baby, Owyn, who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 during pregnancy.  He was not expected to live long but the doctors were not sure, you never can be, and unfortunately Owyn did not make it.  When Dan finished making Owyns small coffin, the first full size one he's needed to make since Jacob's, it rekindled this desire as we just could not bear to give them a bill after experiencing such a huge loss, a loss we've been through ourselves.  We donated Owyn's little coffin to their family, through Jacob's Memorial Fund that many of you contributed to after Jacob died...so in a way, you all blessed this family with a donation at a very difficult time, so thank you for that, for letting us give to another family by way of Jacob's unexpected death.

Yesterday I filed the Articles of Incorporation for a non-profit, born from the loss of Jacob, Jacob's Angels.  It has been my desire since we lost him to find a way to help other families that go through a similar loss.  There are so many amazing non-profit organizations out there that do an outstanding job already of helping in the days, weeks, months and years after losing a child and we have utilized many of them.   I wanted to wait and pray and find something that would be truly useful and beneficial to families that loose children like we lost Jacob and also do something that was not currently already being done.  It is my hope and prayer that in time Jacob's Angels will provide families that experience the death of a child, before or after birth, with a burial coffin at no cost to them through the donations of others.  We were so blessed in a very odd and unusual way that when Jacob died we both knew, without ever speaking it out loud, that Dan would make his coffin. However I don't know any other families that have that same option. I have heard countless stories of families that have lost a child and been tasked with, in the immediate wake of shock and grief, having to shop at funeral homes, online, or even at Michael's for a burial coffin or small box for their child. Some of these can cost more than $500 and some mothers may not have the time or energy to be "crafty" and make something of their own for a loss during pregnancy.  Some families that want to bury their children ultimately choose to cremate, not because that is their number one choice but because it is the least costly option.  To me this just seems so unfair.  If a family really wants to bury their child I just believe they should be able to and without spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars.  It just simply is not an option for everyone and if a family is not able to afford what they would ideally like for their child they can then also feel a great sense of guilt and shame that they are somehow "cheaping out" on their own child. I don't believe any family should be faced with having to put their child in anything they are not 100% comfortable with simply because of cost; as 100% comfortable as a parent can be in that situation alone. For those of us that have been through it, this is always a part of it, a hidden part of the tasks that must be done after a loss, and it's been a painful part for many. So I hope, as time permits, this will grow over the coming year and by next year, by Jacob's 3rd birthday, Jacob's Angels will be thriving and supporting other grieving families that follow us on this very unexpected path.  More to come but I just wanted to share...this is my birthday gift to Jacob and I hope it serves many of his friends that join him in Heaven down the road.

hit a landmine today....sigh

So today I have to get on the phone with an insurance company.  This is how the conversation goes with a woman who is only equipped to read from her list of questions and apparently can't listen to responses other than the exact one she is looking for.

Customer Service Person (CSP):

CSP: How many children you have had in the last 5 years?
ME: 4
CSP: please tell me the dates of each birth starting with most recent.  (...Lord, now I'm going to have to tell her about Jacob and what happened, I hate this)
ME: Elena May 5, 2013
CSP: Was this a normal birth or a c-section? (now I'm going to also have to say that he was footling breech)
Me: Normal
CSP: Any complications? (...and so now I will have to tell her he died)
ME: No. none.
CSP: Okay the next birth.
ME: our son Jacob.
CSP: When was he born?  (here we go...)
ME: March 17, 2012
CSP: Was this a normal birth or a c-section?
ME: Well he was footling breech but I did labor with him naturally.
CSP: Any complications? (ugh I.    HATE.            THIS.)
ME: Well, yes.  He was born with Tracheal Atresia which means he was born without a trachea and so was unable to breathe and died.
CSP: Is Trachea Atresia one word or two? (seriously lady?)
ME: Two
CSP: How do you spell Trachea?  (OMG)
ME: T-R-A-C-H-E-A    (might as well spell atresia too) A-T-R-E-S-I-A
CSP: I'm sorry (with no change of tone) And how long did he live?
ME: (seriously, did I not just say he died at birth????) He didn't. He died as soon as he was born.
CSP: And the next birth... (WTF)

Note to insurance companies that care (if there are any) if you are going to hire people that act like damn machines and computers, I suggest you save money and just use computers to ask questions and respond to the answers given.

These days are what make living life after the death of your child hard.