Having sent from on high, O King of all, and taken the blessed infant, like a pure bird unto the heavenly nest, O Master, Thou has saved this soul from snares of many forms, and has united it with the souls of the Righteous who are enjoying the delights of Thy Kingdom. ~ From Jacob's memorial service

Purpose of my blog...

And so here I am...10 months post my son Jacob's unexpected death and writing a blog. I am not sure what I think about this but I do know that as everyone lovingly, yet haphazardly, always asks how I am doing this is the only way to sincerely and honestly let everyone know without spewing it all out each time. In person, I usually say the standard and most comfortable for others "I'm fine...how are you?" but here I can truly be honest. This is all very personal but I have found that an event such as the death of a child is still such a taboo in this society that people have lieterally no idea what this experience is like or how to react, help, or handle it when it happens to a freind, loved one, or even themselves. Selfishly, this blog is also a way for me to find my way through the fog of this year and try to figure out where I am. I have hesitated writing this as I don't want to be thought of as self-indulgent or a total bitter woman but I pray that in sharing, for someone, it will make it easier to understand how this experience has affected and continues to affect me and our family and maybe help someone out there to be a little more compassionate and kind to someone that they know that finds themself going through the same thing. So, for those of you that are still reading to this point and really want to know...well, here it all is...

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Eight Years Later....

This moment eight years ago I was sitting in a hospital bed holding my baby trying to figure out how I would ever let go of him and then leave that room without him. I didn't think I could, but with God, I did. Each day that passed was a struggle. Minutes were long. Days were hard. Waves of grief would come and go and then come again. I felt crazy and so so broken and so different. When your bury one of your children, how do you go on? No, really...I wanted to really know how I would go on!

But, here I am, eight years later with four children, including a seven year old sleeping by my side and a five year old; two precious gifts that God knew we would love even if I didn't think I could again. Somehow God has pulled me through all 2,290 days since that night we held Jacob in our arms so still and perfect.

God poured out His love over us, kept Adam and Allie safe and brought us the joy of two more children in Elena and Ella. They too, never having met their older brother,  love him and know he is in Heaven and still remind me at random times, without question or hesitation, "one day we will see him again". I yearn for that day and that has given me the most peace in these last eight years, knowing that one day I WILL get to see him again and hug him and to me that is reason enough to live and live this life as best I can.

Jacob's short life was a precious time and no number of days will make me miss him less but I continue to look forward to the day when I get to wish him a happy birthday in Heaven:)

Happy Birthday my sweet Jacob+
Love, Mom


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