Eight Years Later....

This moment eight years ago I was sitting in a hospital bed holding my baby trying to figure out how I would ever let go of him and then leave that room without him. I didn't think I could, but with God, I did. Each day that passed was a struggle. Minutes were long. Days were hard. Waves of grief would come and go and then come again. I felt crazy and so so broken and so different. When your bury one of your children, how do you go on? No, really...I wanted to really know how I would go on!

But, here I am, eight years later with four children, including a seven year old sleeping by my side and a five year old; two precious gifts that God knew we would love even if I didn't think I could again. Somehow God has pulled me through all 2,290 days since that night we held Jacob in our arms so still and perfect.

God poured out His love over us, kept Adam and Allie safe and brought us the joy of two more children in Elena and Ella. They too, never having met their older brother,  love him and know he is in Heaven and still remind me at random times, without question or hesitation, "one day we will see him again". I yearn for that day and that has given me the most peace in these last eight years, knowing that one day I WILL get to see him again and hug him and to me that is reason enough to live and live this life as best I can.

Jacob's short life was a precious time and no number of days will make me miss him less but I continue to look forward to the day when I get to wish him a happy birthday in Heaven:)

Happy Birthday my sweet Jacob+
Love, Mom

Seven Years Later....

Seven years ago, this very day, we were at Graylyn taking the only maternity pictures I had ever had done, to document my last pregnancy. Well, what I thought would be my last pregnancy. It was a gorgeous Saturday, the weather was the same as today but a bit sunnier and I was so incredibly happy and felt so at peace. 

That is what I remember the most about that day when I occasionally look at the pictures, 

"the old me".

******************

Fast forward seven days and we were holding Jacob, three weeks early, and he was already gone. 

The contrast is hard to stomach but seven years of time helps to dull it, most of the time. We still grieve and at the oddest of times. Sometimes, it's still hard to just get through life, the daily grind of life with four kids. My reserves are less in so many ways and yet I resentfully can endure more in a lot of ways. Sometimes I feel the pull of those two dichotomies at the same time and when I do, I want to just crawl in a hole. Actually, lately, I want to just crawl in a hole. The thing is, I naively thought that after you lose a child no pain could compare to that and I'd hit my quota in this life for pain and loss. But in these last seven years I've learned that in life, grief and loss come in so many ways and at so many different times, no one can escape it, not even a mother who has buried a child. We lose friends, the familiar, jobs, routines change, some good and some bad, but loss is just a part of this life and my reserves to handle loss, and especially the grief that follows, those reserves feel nearly gone. 

So after years of not writing, distancing myself from the past to attempt to live in the present and doing a terrible job at it more often than not, and probably surviving (muscling through) some undiagnosed postpartum depression, I am writing now to say what it's like after seven years for me at least. There have been wonderful beautiful moments and times but the reality is that it's plain hard. Hard in ways I can't even articulate. It's hard to live in the present and yet I know it's the thing I need to work on the most. There is so much fear in becoming attached to anything, or anyone, especially after all of the loss we have endured losing Jacob, our Godson, Dan's mom, all his Grandparents and all the other life losses we've had. I hate that pain is a part of this life and I still yearn for this life to be over, not untimely and not now, but I yearn for my whole heart to be together, and to have all my children together, and the reality is that time won't come till we are all with the One who created us. I think that is the hardest part, your heart forever being torn between this world and the next. 

What I cherish the most is the unconditional love of my living children, Dan and my family. As many times as I feel/know I fail, or they have been unfairly gifted a broken mom, wife, daughter, they continually give me a second, third, two hundredth chance and truly do love me unconditionally. As we go into this Lenten season which for us starts tomorrow, I am praying that God will open my heart in a way I feel like I can't or rather haven't been able too for some time. That He will take away a lot of the fear that I feel has been a constant companion for way too long. That I'll find some courage and strength to find and embrace happiness again, to really laugh again and to find joy again. Just know that you don't have to lose a child to feel down in the dumps and if you have lost a child, chances are you may feel down in the dumps a bit more, but I think true compassion grows out of true pain. I have no real wisdom other than, the grace and true love of others is where I still find hope in this life. And today, unexpectedly, I experienced a lot of grace and love. As I go into this week leading up to what should be Jacob's seventh birthday on the 17th, I hope maybe I can grow to show more love and grace to others, and to myself, without the side of fear. 

To my sweet Jacob, who I miss intensely, mamma loves you, and happy seventh birthday in Heaven. 

Saying Goodbye to Silas John

How does one even begin to describe saying goodbye to your Godson?  Adams face below says it all.  This was our sweet Silas John Hays.  He fell asleep in the Lord on Thursday September 4th after a long and brave fight with cancer.  I share the next part because it renews my belief and faith that we are never alone and especially not at the time of our death and I hope it gives everyone reading this the same faith.  

Silas, in the arms of his mother, with his Grammy there looked up and reached out  his arms to what he saw as his mother told him it was "okay to go".   "Mommy will be okay and Grammy will be okay."  And in peace, Silas left this broken world for one with the angels where there is no pain and no suffering.  He was not alone and he was not afraid.  I believe even more fervently now that Jacob was not alone either even though we did not get to see the angels that came to be with him at the time of his death.  I will be forever grateful to Silas for this.  There is so much we can't see.  

As I sit and type this Adam is playing church from the top of the stairs singing, "Christ is Risen from the dead, trampling down death by death..."  He is right. But for now, I am sad.  My heart is broken again.  There is a space left that can't be filled.  Our dear friends, who I thought would be spared from such a loss, just simply by knowing us and law of averages, they have lost their son too.  Noah has lost his brother and Adam, Allie and Elena have lost a God brother as well as a brother.  In a sweet monastery cemetery, four hours from here, lay four children we know in a row.  Micah & Isiah, our sweet Jacob and Silas now behind him.  How bittersweet.  

We sang the "Last Kiss" again and as I waited in a long line of friends and family to give Silas his last kiss, as he lay in another coffin Dan had to build,  that Dan was honored to build but never wanted to for any child, much less our Godson, I saw Silas' baptismal cross around his neck.  The one we gave him at his baptism.  How different things were those few short years ago before any of our sweet babies lay in a cemetery.  I long for the day we are all reunited, but until then this world is missing a sweet sweet boy who has, in his short life, touched so many lives and will be remembered and dearly missed by so many of us for many many years to come.  May Silas John's memory be eternal.  

                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                    

Bottom left, Isiah & Micah Weesner, followed by the white cross which is Jacob's with Silas directly behind him.  

Two years and a dream...

Yesterday does not only mark what would have been Jacob's second birthday but it marks the beginning of a dream that I've had for almost the entire time he's been gone.  I actually held off on it as I just wanted to believe that we would not know any other babies that died.  This was unrealistic but it's how I felt and a mother always hopes and prays for the best, even a miracle.  Sadly, Dan recently was asked to make a small coffin for a little baby, Owyn, who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 during pregnancy.  He was not expected to live long but the doctors were not sure, you never can be, and unfortunately Owyn did not make it.  When Dan finished making Owyns small coffin, the first full size one he's needed to make since Jacob's, it rekindled this desire as we just could not bear to give them a bill after experiencing such a huge loss, a loss we've been through ourselves.  We donated Owyn's little coffin to their family, through Jacob's Memorial Fund that many of you contributed to after Jacob died...so in a way, you all blessed this family with a donation at a very difficult time, so thank you for that, for letting us give to another family by way of Jacob's unexpected death.

Yesterday I filed the Articles of Incorporation for a non-profit, born from the loss of Jacob, Jacob's Angels.  It has been my desire since we lost him to find a way to help other families that go through a similar loss.  There are so many amazing non-profit organizations out there that do an outstanding job already of helping in the days, weeks, months and years after losing a child and we have utilized many of them.   I wanted to wait and pray and find something that would be truly useful and beneficial to families that loose children like we lost Jacob and also do something that was not currently already being done.  It is my hope and prayer that in time Jacob's Angels will provide families that experience the death of a child, before or after birth, with a burial coffin at no cost to them through the donations of others.  We were so blessed in a very odd and unusual way that when Jacob died we both knew, without ever speaking it out loud, that Dan would make his coffin. However I don't know any other families that have that same option. I have heard countless stories of families that have lost a child and been tasked with, in the immediate wake of shock and grief, having to shop at funeral homes, online, or even at Michael's for a burial coffin or small box for their child. Some of these can cost more than $500 and some mothers may not have the time or energy to be "crafty" and make something of their own for a loss during pregnancy.  Some families that want to bury their children ultimately choose to cremate, not because that is their number one choice but because it is the least costly option.  To me this just seems so unfair.  If a family really wants to bury their child I just believe they should be able to and without spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars.  It just simply is not an option for everyone and if a family is not able to afford what they would ideally like for their child they can then also feel a great sense of guilt and shame that they are somehow "cheaping out" on their own child. I don't believe any family should be faced with having to put their child in anything they are not 100% comfortable with simply because of cost; as 100% comfortable as a parent can be in that situation alone. For those of us that have been through it, this is always a part of it, a hidden part of the tasks that must be done after a loss, and it's been a painful part for many. So I hope, as time permits, this will grow over the coming year and by next year, by Jacob's 3rd birthday, Jacob's Angels will be thriving and supporting other grieving families that follow us on this very unexpected path.  More to come but I just wanted to share...this is my birthday gift to Jacob and I hope it serves many of his friends that join him in Heaven down the road.

hit a landmine today....sigh

So today I have to get on the phone with an insurance company.  This is how the conversation goes with a woman who is only equipped to read from her list of questions and apparently can't listen to responses other than the exact one she is looking for.

Customer Service Person (CSP):

CSP: How many children you have had in the last 5 years?
ME: 4
CSP: please tell me the dates of each birth starting with most recent.  (...Lord, now I'm going to have to tell her about Jacob and what happened, I hate this)
ME: Elena May 5, 2013
CSP: Was this a normal birth or a c-section? (now I'm going to also have to say that he was footling breech)
Me: Normal
CSP: Any complications? (...and so now I will have to tell her he died)
ME: No. none.
CSP: Okay the next birth.
ME: our son Jacob.
CSP: When was he born?  (here we go...)
ME: March 17, 2012
CSP: Was this a normal birth or a c-section?
ME: Well he was footling breech but I did labor with him naturally.
CSP: Any complications? (ugh I.    HATE.            THIS.)
ME: Well, yes.  He was born with Tracheal Atresia which means he was born without a trachea and so was unable to breathe and died.
CSP: Is Trachea Atresia one word or two? (seriously lady?)
ME: Two
CSP: How do you spell Trachea?  (OMG)
ME: T-R-A-C-H-E-A    (might as well spell atresia too) A-T-R-E-S-I-A
CSP: I'm sorry (with no change of tone) And how long did he live?
ME: (seriously, did I not just say he died at birth????) He didn't. He died as soon as he was born.
CSP: And the next birth... (WTF)

Note to insurance companies that care (if there are any) if you are going to hire people that act like damn machines and computers, I suggest you save money and just use computers to ask questions and respond to the answers given.

These days are what make living life after the death of your child hard.

Riding Tidle Waves

So, out of the blue, unexpectedly this is a hard day.  Not sure why, not sure if it's been building over time.  It just is.  Grief is such a strange and unpleasant thing sometimes. When your baby dies nothing is "normal" for a long time and you wonder if things will ever be "normal" again.  What is normal anyway?  But, over time I managed to find a new normal...all mothers who have lost know what I mean by this and I'm sure those who have not still can understand what I mean.  There is before Jacob died and after Jacob died. Some of the things that were "normal" before he died are still part of our lives now but they are just a little different.  I've been doing great I think.  Moving forward, started a business, hired some help around the house as this is almost necessary with three little kids and my sanity is worth the cleaning lady, Mrs. Barbie, once every two weeks, trying to focus on each day and not look too much into the future, coming to accept that this is just the way it is and there is no need nor benefit to dwelling on what happened because there is simply nothing that can change it.  I am no good to anyone when I'm looking backwards, not even myself.  I did that and I grieved.  I let myself be sad for what, to me, seemed like a long time.  So why today, why such a hard day?  I'm not crying in a corner...it's just this overwhelming feeling that I'm just keeping my head above water, barely.  Grief is like riding a tidal wave in so many ways.  It builds so slowly over time that I don't even realize what is building beneath me and eventually grows into something out of my control and then I'm here...stuck...riding this crazy wave out that I don't want to be on, never wanted to be on, was afraid of, am afraid of, and can't get off of.  I know the crazy wave will pass but being ON the wave is SOOO not my favorite thing.  I feel out of control, can't think straight, can't focus, it's hard to be "here" with the kids. I'm not thinking of Jacob and going woe is me, I am just different than I was before.  Sometimes I think I'm trying to prove to myself that I am OKAY still.  The fear of not surviving his death is still there I just try to not give it any credit or time.  But when on this wave that comes every now and then, it's hard to not go there and just be off for a day or three.  I so wish that this was not a part of it but it is.  I say all of this not to get sympathy, I hate that, but to be real in that this IS what it's like for me.  And to share, I think, is strength. It's being vulnerable and showing my weaknesses and I find strength in that.  In being real with myself and others about how life is after loosing your baby.  It may not be this way for everyone, but it is the reality for me.  Most days when I look fine I actually AM.  But today, this day, it's just a rough day.  And one final note....the only thing that has gotten me this far is God and the love he has shown to me through friends like you who are reading this, the love of my children and the love of my husband who is incredibly patient and understanding; I'm not sure why he's so good at being patient as I am horrible at it, but he is, and the strength of our marriage is, in many ways, credited to his love and patience.  Tomorrow will be a better day, and if not then the next one will be. Now I'm going to go love on little, big, Elena which is what I'm sure Jacob would want.

Working to help all NC families

I wrote the following today to some of our NC Senators who will vote on the licensing of CPM's later this month...Oh how I wish they'd listen and stop being bullied by big wig medical people who think they can make better decisions for our families than we can. 

 

Dear President Berger & Senators Brock, Brunstetter & Parmon,

My name is Nora Kowalcheck and I am a mother, wife and resident of North Carolina living in Forsyth County.

My husband and I have two living children and one that died at birth last March 17th of 2012, Jacob. We have one more due any day now. I know this is a long email but please bear with me.

Of my three children, not including the one yet to be born, two were born at home with the assistance of a midwife and one was born in the hospital. Only one died and that was our Jacob and the only of my children to be born in a hospital. The hospital did not cause his death BUT it also did not save his life either.

Hospitals are not the only option for safe birth and they do not prevent death. I am sure all of you sadly have experienced the loss of a loved one that died and not even doctors or the hospital could save them. Death is just a part of this life as is birth and Hospitals do not MAKE birth safe. Trained licensed professionals do the best at monitoring babies. Also, I would like to remind everyone that as much as hospitals are needed for emergencies and high risk pregnancies/deliveries babies still die in hospitals every day, even with all the equipment and bells and whistles. HOME BIRTH DOES NOT KILL BABIES. Babies do not just die because they were born outside of a hospital, nor do they live because they were born at one. This is a fact that no doctor wants to admit to. Some things simply are out of our control, and my son Jacob is an example of that FACT. He was born without a trachea and even the most advanced hospital or best OB doctor in the world could not have saved him.

I also birthed him footling breech without medication and he did not die because of that either. I was monitored the entire time and I gave him the last few hours of life by doing so. I do not regret any of the pain of that labor, it was the end of his life, I just didn't know it then. Having avoided a c-section, I was able to, after handing Jacob over to two men from a funeral home in suits at 6 AM, go home and hold my other children and grieve with my family instead of being confined to a hospital bed because I'd just had major surgery AND lost my baby unexpectedly.

We have come to know many families that also experienced infant loss and every other family that I know lost their baby at the hospital, or before doctors or the hospital even knew anything was wrong. Hospitals DO NOT PREVENT STILLBIRTH and infant death!!!! I wish, I so wish, they did for the sake of all the parents I know.

Hospitals and doctors DO NOT SAVE ALL BABIES. This does not include only OB's and Physicians but also experienced Midwives. My other two children are proof that healthy babies can be born at home safely. Most all of my friends have their babies at the hospital safely. All I want is the right to have my babies at home with a LICENSED MIDWIFE if that is what we choose. I am not against hospitals or doctors, I am just for this additional option that our surrounding states have already given their residents.

I will have this baby at home as well, "illegally", because that is my desire. I even qualify for a free medicaid birth at the hospital but my husband and I are paying out of pocket to birth at home. We feel that strongly about the level of care we have received from our midwife through each of our pregnancies to pay for this even though we could do it on your dime. Even after having lost my son, I still feel this is the best option for me and most importantly our baby. Should something go awry, like this baby being breech, yes I will go to the hospital then, but not all births are scary. In fact remember birthing is natural, women have done this outside of hospitals for thousands of years and why not allow women to have this one other option and licensing will prevent the ones who are NOT QUALIFIED to be weeded out. THAT IS IMPORTANT!!! We don't want untrained assistants but trained assistants who will know when it's time to go to the hospital and who will not be shunned in the process. If babies living is your main concern than there is no better option than to require Licensing of CPM's. People like me will continue to do this without the states stamp of approval and by allowing others to squash midwives out of the state you are jeopardizing the lives of these babies to come by in a way eradicating the help of those who are trained and eliminating the ones that are not.

PLEASE for the sake of our son Jacob, consider all I have said. If women have so many rights to do what they want when they want, have sex, abortions, pick their own doctors, why stop at allowing them to have even the option to birth at home. For a normal pregnancy this is a fantastic option for those that seek it. Please Please, give us the same rights that women in other states have. As a resident I hope you will listen and pass this bill even if it would not be your personal choice.

Sincerely,

Nora Kowalcheck

 

 

Fear of the Home Stretch...

So here I find myself, 30 days from my due date and having Braxton Hicks contractions on and off every other day or so, sometimes every day and scared to death.  Talk about fear.  This whole pregnancy has been like a blur of time. After Jacob died I could not imagine the stress of going through another full pregnancy always waiting for the outcome, would we bring a baby home next time or go through the entire pregnancy only to hand another baby over to two men in suits from a funeral home.  This entire time I've been going through the pregnancy with my fingers in my ears trying to avoid any reality, "just make it till she's born, just make it till she's born" is what goes through my head over and over.  But now, in this final month, it's too real to ignore, I can't deny the pain of the contractions, the anxiety of, is this false labor or real labor?  Is my water getting ready to break or is this just my body practicing?  When will she come? Will she come early? Will she come late? Will she be breech like Jacob? If she's head down will it go too fast? Will it go slow like Jacob's did? Will we be able to do it at home?  Will there be complications that lead us to the hospital? Either way, will she be born crying and healthy like Adam and Allie or will she have some rare undetectable anomaly that we won't know about till I've labored and birthed again? Will we be caught off guard again? Will she sleep in the crib we have set up or will I have to strip that one day because she's not there?  This is the craziness of my head.  This is what life is like in my mind.  Faith, have faith, is my motto for when the crazy ideas/questions start rolling through my mind, but then I think, well let's be prepared for the worst as we were totally unprepared last time.  Still, I know fear does not come from God.  God did not make Jacob die. He was not punishing us, technically Jacob is still alive, just in the way that we won't be till we also die and get to experience whatever the eternal life is, God willing we make it to Heaven.  

But I REALLY want this baby to be here with me in this life.  I know that we can't always have what we want and that is certainly not what this life is all about.  But, still, the desire to hold this baby is so strong, to get to that moment when she just comes out and starts screaming, that the fear of it potentially not happening is just terrifying. And I have some 30 days or less to get through with all these thoughts. Sometimes I can calm them, usually I can, but every time I feel a contraction, which is increasingly more as we get closer, I can't help but think into crazy land.  Talk about a workout for the mind, an inner conflict, it is like a battle against God and Satan in my head and it's exhausting.  I've tried to fill my time by nesting and organizing, which is extremely hard considering we own about 4 baskets in this house and I think baskets are the key to organization with little ones! We plan to take advantage of Ikea to help remedy this one issue, but until then if it's cluttered I freak out more. At least though I can somewhat control the clutter.  The time this baby decides to come, is totally and completely out of my control and I think that is the hardest part.  When Jacob died it felt like I had no control over anything. Slowly I found things that I could make constant, and control to some extent.  But this, this time before the tragedy we experienced last time, the total lack of concern I had last time is so different from this time.  All I can do is try to be patient, calm, remember I have the caregivers that I feel the safest with, that I'm not alone and whatever happens I know God will help us through it, even if the worst happens.  I never doubt that.  I may need more drugs this time around should something go wrong and bottles of wine and extensive amounts of chocolate can be sent to us here at the house but I don't doubt that God helps us get through whatever unexpected things this imperfect life throws at us.  It's not easy but if we seek Him out, He's always there and I know that otherwise I would have left this life long ago.  

So looking at 30 days of something that is now out of my hands, not knowing when or how fast I will go into labor, not knowing which contraction will be the start of the end of this LONG journey and which ones are just practice ones, somehow I'll get through this.  Just like Jacob's funeral and burial that I didn't want to face, I don't want to face these unknown days but I will. I will pray and try to not freak out. I appreciate the friends I have that make me feel like a sane person because I am freaking out! I appreciate all the women I know that are in my boat right now and waiting too for the scream we all didn't get to hear last time.  The good scream, the one that will incite many many more for years to come, ones of joy and frustration that their brother/sister took their toys, annoyed them or touched them...that fist sound means so much more than this baby made it, but that this baby has a life here, however short or long and I will get to see her eyes open and close on their own, see her chest rise and fall with each breath, cry when she is hungry, smile when she's happy or gassy...if we can just get to there...surely after that moment I can finally breath again, really breath, and feel relief which I've only experienced in tidbits through the last 9 months.  Extended relief, oh won't that be nice! 

So below is for me really, to visually have proof of accomplishments we've made over the last month.  Before and after pictures of how we switched the rooms and finally decorated in preparation for this new life that we WILL have with this new baby girl...(thanks to a husband who is extremely handy and strong, not just physically but mentally to endure my insane nesting "must haves") I do feel more at ease now that their rooms are decorated, painted and mostly finished for them to enjoy and grow in! 

                              

                                 

                            

              

                            

 

The difference of a year...

So, on a crisp cold Saturday in March, March 23rd, I was with people from our church, just as I had been the year before.  This day was not like last year in many ways. This very day last year I was standing at a hole in the ground waiting for Jacob to be lowered down....This present day I was among many of the same women that had gathered together to celebrate Jacob's life the day I went into labor with him.  The difference is, I made it to this shower and the day went exactly as planned.  In fact, I was so focused on being happy for this baby and THIS shower that not even I, Jacob's mother, remembered until the next day the significance of the shower date.  Some things I have learned are too much and sometimes it's okay to just be happy for a change.  I still feel kind of guilty being happy, but on this day I truly was.  Surrounded by many women who have been such a meaningful part of my life I was able to celebrate our daughter's life.  She has been alive and with us for almost 9 months now, we still are not sure of her name, but it does not diminish our joy in every moment and every day we are given with her, even before we meet her face to face and can see the miracle that God has granted us.  I have learned that living in the moment is much more useful than daydreaming about the future, one that is unknown.  Still, to open gifts and see things that she will wear, sleep in, spit up on, they are all steps of faith towards the hope that she will be there to make all the memories we have already virtually placed her in.  It's impossible to not work these little unborn babies into our families and future vacations, holidays, trips, events, school spacing between the kids, visiting Jacob even.   We did the same for Jacob and as hard as it is to come upon those events and realize his absence,  those events that we had already worked him into, they keep him alive in our hearts and in our family.  

So for this day in March, very different in many ways than the day we buried Jacob, I was happy.  You can see it and although my dear friend Nikki, our photographer for the day (who should go professional) captured all the smiles I did have a near breakdown at the end thanking everyone for all they have done for us, Dan and I and the kids, to get to this day, this new joyful day.  Laughter and tears, they are usually partners in my life now, but to have friends to thank is such a gift I could never articulate it properly.  Thank you ladies for your love and celebration of this new life that will join our church soon enough:)  

Blanket for baby girl, made by Jacob's God Sister below...the sweetest gift a baby could get.
Made from pure love. 

Nikki, aka Photographer extraordinaire! Love these precious pictures...thank you so much!! 

To all these special ladies....you made this day, this year, one to remember and smile about:) 

Third Sunday In Lent: Veneration of the Cross

So, today was another anniversary of sorts but not necessarily a bad one.  As Orthodox we go by the old calendar and therefor our Easter generally falls on a different day than the one that most everyone else is familiar with, hence we are still in Lent.  Jacob died on a Saturday evening but the next day happened to be the third Sunday of Lent last year, as today was for us, and on the third Sunday we commemorate the Cross.  "The cross stands in the midst of the church in the middle of the lenten season not merely to remind men of Christ’s redemption and to keep before them the goal of their efforts, but also to be venerated as that reality by which man must live to be saved. “He who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” (Mt.10:38). For in the Cross of Christ Crucified lies both “the power of God and the wisdom of God” for those being saved (1 Cor.1:24)." www.oca.org 

I remember the time that I realized what had been commemorated at church that Sunday we were not there and hearing it was the Cross and thinking, "Well that is fitting". Seeing as how I'd never been given a bigger cross to bear it seemed fitting Jacob came hours before this particular day at our church.  We were not there last year but we were there today and I was glad to be there.  The 30 seconds of the sermon I was able to hear since Allie had her eye on a piece of bread in the hall, was something that our priest, Fr. Christopher said. I can't quote exactly but it went something like, Beware of the reward without the cross, or something to that effect.  Which to me means that all the greatest gifts in life, they generally come by way of sacrifice and hard work, in other words a cross of some sort.  Now a hard day at "work" for any of us, mom's especially, is one thing and very much a daily cross and some days are crazy challenging, but the cross of losing one's child and having to live for the others you may have, or that we were blessed to have, and STILL live through the crazy mom days is a far harder thing than I had ever known.  I guess looking back, I always thought that we got to somewhat control the crosses we bore or chose to bear but it seems to me now that the biggest crosses I have faced in my life have been the ones that I had no control over but that I had to carry.  To face your worst nightmare and have to walk into it I think is a huge cross and it makes it all the more meaningful when you go forward without even the strength to do it.  That is where I found God, and that was about all I found.  Even in the dark somehow I knew He was there, but in all honesty it was dark and for a long time.  Sometimes still, the cross of losing Jacob, not having him here and having to keep going on without him, feels like something I can't do and I fall down A LOT trying to do it.  It filters into so many aspects of our daily life I could never have been prepared for,  but maybe that is what life is supposed to be?  Having to constantly face what we can and can't do and what we can do if we ask for help from the One that really can help us. I think I'm rambling because I hate to get all preachy and hope this is not coming off as such but  I just have so much respect for others now that are taking up their crosses that have been placed in front of them. I don't think the feeling of not wanting to bear one's cross is a bad thing or detracts from the dignity of carrying it, whether you have a good day of carrying or a bad day and have to put it down to rest, regroup and try again, you are still taking up your cross and trying and THAT I think is the beauty, the work and the veneration of the Cross. It's not meant to be carried with perfection but with struggle and faith.  I don't get through every day with strength, I can probably count how many days I've felt strong since Jacob died on one hand, maybe two, but it's not about that I think.  It's just about moving forward at whatever pace I can.  My cross will always be there, whether I want it to be or not, but I have noticed that when I give myself a break and try to pace myself instead of running full speed I generally do better for longer.  It is hard to not run full speed to this delivery date for this baby, I am so overwhelmed with trying to organize, clean everything in my path, all those little crosses are starting to weigh me down.  It's been a long year of just survival and now I feel like I really need to get my super mom cape back on and be ready for this new baby, try to make everything "perfect" for her and for us, but really what is that? What is perfect? Maybe just having her healthy and breathing in my arms is the only perfection I should be worried about? I have no idea.  Life goes on and I know I have to face adult things like cleaning and entertaining the kids but maybe I'm being too hard on myself.  Maybe the best thing I can do for me, my family and this baby girl is to just relax and to trust God, take one day, one task at a time and just go slow.  Super mom probably does not exist but I sure do keep trying to be "her".