Having sent from on high, O King of all, and taken the blessed infant, like a pure bird unto the heavenly nest, O Master, Thou has saved this soul from snares of many forms, and has united it with the souls of the Righteous who are enjoying the delights of Thy Kingdom. ~ From Jacob's memorial service

Purpose of my blog...

And so here I am...10 months post my son Jacob's unexpected death and writing a blog. I am not sure what I think about this but I do know that as everyone lovingly, yet haphazardly, always asks how I am doing this is the only way to sincerely and honestly let everyone know without spewing it all out each time. In person, I usually say the standard and most comfortable for others "I'm fine...how are you?" but here I can truly be honest. This is all very personal but I have found that an event such as the death of a child is still such a taboo in this society that people have lieterally no idea what this experience is like or how to react, help, or handle it when it happens to a freind, loved one, or even themselves. Selfishly, this blog is also a way for me to find my way through the fog of this year and try to figure out where I am. I have hesitated writing this as I don't want to be thought of as self-indulgent or a total bitter woman but I pray that in sharing, for someone, it will make it easier to understand how this experience has affected and continues to affect me and our family and maybe help someone out there to be a little more compassionate and kind to someone that they know that finds themself going through the same thing. So, for those of you that are still reading to this point and really want to know...well, here it all is...

Friday, May 3, 2013

Working to help all NC families

I wrote the following today to some of our NC Senators who will vote on the licensing of CPM's later this month...Oh how I wish they'd listen and stop being bullied by big wig medical people who think they can make better decisions for our families than we can. 
 
Dear President Berger & Senators Brock, Brunstetter & Parmon,
My name is Nora Kowalcheck and I am a mother, wife and resident of North Carolina living in Forsyth County.
My husband and I have two living children and one that died at birth last March 17th of 2012, Jacob. We have one more due any day now. I know this is a long email but please bear with me.
Of my three children, not including the one yet to be born, two were born at home with the assistance of a midwife and one was born in the hospital. Only one died and that was our Jacob and the only of my children to be born in a hospital. The hospital did not cause his death BUT it also did not save his life either.
Hospitals are not the only option for safe birth and they do not prevent death. I am sure all of you sadly have experienced the loss of a loved one that died and not even doctors or the hospital could save them. Death is just a part of this life as is birth and Hospitals do not MAKE birth safe. Trained licensed professionals do the best at monitoring babies. Also, I would like to remind everyone that as much as hospitals are needed for emergencies and high risk pregnancies/deliveries babies still die in hospitals every day, even with all the equipment and bells and whistles. HOME BIRTH DOES NOT KILL BABIES. Babies do not just die because they were born outside of a hospital, nor do they live because they were born at one. This is a fact that no doctor wants to admit to. Some things simply are out of our control, and my son Jacob is an example of that FACT. He was born without a trachea and even the most advanced hospital or best OB doctor in the world could not have saved him.
I also birthed him footling breech without medication and he did not die because of that either. I was monitored the entire time and I gave him the last few hours of life by doing so. I do not regret any of the pain of that labor, it was the end of his life, I just didn't know it then. Having avoided a c-section, I was able to, after handing Jacob over to two men from a funeral home in suits at 6 AM, go home and hold my other children and grieve with my family instead of being confined to a hospital bed because I'd just had major surgery AND lost my baby unexpectedly.
We have come to know many families that also experienced infant loss and every other family that I know lost their baby at the hospital, or before doctors or the hospital even knew anything was wrong. Hospitals DO NOT PREVENT STILLBIRTH and infant death!!!! I wish, I so wish, they did for the sake of all the parents I know.
Hospitals and doctors DO NOT SAVE ALL BABIES. This does not include only OB's and Physicians but also experienced Midwives. My other two children are proof that healthy babies can be born at home safely. Most all of my friends have their babies at the hospital safely. All I want is the right to have my babies at home with a LICENSED MIDWIFE if that is what we choose. I am not against hospitals or doctors, I am just for this additional option that our surrounding states have already given their residents.

I will have this baby at home as well, "illegally", because that is my desire. I even qualify for a free medicaid birth at the hospital but my husband and I are paying out of pocket to birth at home. We feel that strongly about the level of care we have received from our midwife through each of our pregnancies to pay for this even though we could do it on your dime. Even after having lost my son, I still feel this is the best option for me and most importantly our baby. Should something go awry, like this baby being breech, yes I will go to the hospital then, but not all births are scary. In fact remember birthing is natural, women have done this outside of hospitals for thousands of years and why not allow women to have this one other option and licensing will prevent the ones who are NOT QUALIFIED to be weeded out. THAT IS IMPORTANT!!! We don't want untrained assistants but trained assistants who will know when it's time to go to the hospital and who will not be shunned in the process. If babies living is your main concern than there is no better option than to require Licensing of CPM's. People like me will continue to do this without the states stamp of approval and by allowing others to squash midwives out of the state you are jeopardizing the lives of these babies to come by in a way eradicating the help of those who are trained and eliminating the ones that are not.
PLEASE for the sake of our son Jacob, consider all I have said. If women have so many rights to do what they want when they want, have sex, abortions, pick their own doctors, why stop at allowing them to have even the option to birth at home. For a normal pregnancy this is a fantastic option for those that seek it. Please Please, give us the same rights that women in other states have. As a resident I hope you will listen and pass this bill even if it would not be your personal choice.
Sincerely,
Nora Kowalcheck